"ER"
"Walk Down The Aisle"
by Robin

Doug:

I had been trying desperately to talk to Carol Hathaway even long before she took an overdose of pills. I didn’t really blame her anger at me, but I was starting to understand that the anger was a smoke screen...something to protect her from showing her real feelings. And I knew this because of the kiss we had shared in the ER...a moment of weakness in which her real feelings bubbled to the surface. But, she resisted them. And me. And now she was 24 hours from being Mrs. John Taglieri. I had finally run out of chances. My personal relationships were on the Fritz. Linda Farrell and I were nothing more than bed partners. My relationship with Diane Leeds was focused more on her young son than on her. And my desperation over losing Carol forever had me depressed and drinking more than usual. Mark Greene was the first on to say something....he always was. He was sitting in the lounge when I went in to hang up my jacket and start my round of duty and he looked up at me with the look of his and I chuckled at him.

"I’m not late" I told him emphatically.

"I know" he nodded.

"So what are you looking at me like that for?"

"Just making general observations"

"I’m OK"

"Will you be going to the wedding tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I guess so" I shrugged.

"You OK with this?"

"No, I’m not ‘ok’ with it, but what can I do? It’s too late now"

"Ever hear the old saying? It’s not too late until she gets to the alter...and then she can still turn around and run before she says ‘I do’?"

"Very funny" I smirked at him. "Carol isn’t going to run. She’s going to go through with it"

"Did you tell her how you feel?"

"I tried to. She wouldn’t listen"

"Were you drunk or sober when tried to tell her?"

"What do you think? You think I could force feelings like that out of me sober? No way, pal..."

"Well, then, that’s why she didn’t listen, Doug! Is it so hard to say ‘I love you’ to the one woman in the world you really feel that way about?"

"Those are the three scariest words in the human language" I chuckled. "And I have to be drunk to say them"

"I feel bad for you, Buddy. You’re drinking yourself to a lonely life"

"I already have a lonely life" I told him. "I’m used to it"

"Sure you are, Doug" I heard him chuckle as I headed out the door. "Sure you are"

Sometime later in the day, I passed by Carol working at the desk and I just had to smile at her. Of course, she caught me smiling and gave me that perturbed look of hers.

"What?" she asked me.

"Nothing" I shook my head. "Just that you look radiant"

"Oh, please" she scoffed and blushed a little.

"No, really...you do. You look really happy"

"Thanks" she nodded shyly.

"I’m really happy for you, Carol" I told her honestly. And I was happy for her. It was myself I was unhappy for. "I wish you luck"

"Thanks, Doug" she looked up at me this time. "That means a lot, it really does. Are you coming to the wedding?"

"I’ll be there" I promised her with a smile and a shotgun point before going on off down the hall.

That night, alone in my apartment, I couldn’t stop thinking about what was going to happen the next day. Carol was going to walk down the aisle of that church and exchange vows with Tag and be out of my life forever. I had tried every way I knew to tell her how I felt about her but she just wouldn’t listen. Then I got an idea. I went over to the desk and took out a sheet of paper, picked up a pen, and started writing. I poured every thought...every feeling...and every emotion I had for her onto that paper. I knew she was still working at the hospital and Tag was staying at a hotel so that the bride and groom wouldn’t see each other before the wedding, so, I left my apartment and headed for the EL train. All the ride over I kept thinking about what I’d written. It was sincere. And honest. That’s the things Carol had been wanting from me. I didn’t really think the letter would change anything but it was the only chance I had to tell her how I felt. I just hoped her mother wasn’t staying at the apartment with her. I ran down the street from the platform to her apartment building, climbing the steps and going straight down the hall. The crack under the door was dark, so I knew nobody was home. I bent down and slipped the letter under the door. Then, I ran like hell to get out of there and back to the El, hoping like hell I didn’t run into Carol coming home from the hospital before I could get out of that area of town. I didn’t relax until I was safe back in my own apartment...stirring tea...and staring out the window...realizing for the first time that this is what the rest of my life was destined to be...

Carol:

I was never so glad to see a day end. If I had to go through one more person telling me I looked ‘radiant’ I was going to scream. I put the key in the lock of my apartment and looked forward to the quiet and solitude that was going to be waiting for me there. I opened the door and turned on the light, picking up the mail from the floor where it had fallen through the slot. I started sifting through it and found a plain white sheet of paper, folded in half, with nothing written on the outside of it. Curious, I laid my keys and the mail down, and opened the note. I recognized the handwriting without even a second glance but I was sure that hand could have written the words I was reading.

"Carol - I’ve been trying for weeks to tell you how much I love you but you don’t seem to want to listen to me. Maybe this note will convince you that what I’ve been trying to tell you is true. My life is empty without you. I want to tell you how sorry I am for all the things I did that hurt you. I never meant to. I never wanted to. And I never tried to. I just never had anyone like you in my life before and I didn’t know how to treat you. If I had a second chance, I know I could make you happy. Tomorrow, you’re going to walk down the aisle and out of my life forever. I’ll have to work beside you and hear you talk about your life with Tag and somehow just get past it. I do wish you happiness, Carol.. And I am happy for you. But for me, tomorrow will be the darkest day of my life. If you feel anything left for me at all, please don’t do this, Carol. I’m begging you...and I love you. Doug"

I crumpled the note in my hand, now enraged that he would do something like this to me on the eve of my wedding.

"Son of a bitch!" I muttered.

That was IT! The last straw! It was time I put Doug Ross in his place. I grabbed my keys and head straight back out the door and running to the El platform to take the train to his apartment. All the ride over, I was trying to arrange in my mind what I was going to say to him, but I knew I’d never be able to keep my cool. I’d just light into him with every ounce of the rage he had sent flowing through me. It was high time he understood that he couldn’t get by on just his good looks and charm...no matter how much of each he had.

I started banging on the door of his apartment with my fist and I heard him moving around inside.

"Doug! Open this door!"

"I’m coming!" he ripped open the door and gave me that half smile and tilt head of his. "Carol...I...."

"You knew it would be" I pushed past him to dart inside. He closed the door as he turned to face me. "How could you do this to me?" I shook the note at him. "Huh? How could you give me something like this the night before my wedding?"

"I’ve been trying to tell you that for weeks!" he protested. "You wouldn’t listen! I just wanted you to know..."

"Why? Huh? Why, Doug? Why do you want me to know? Because you want me to feel guilty about marrying someone else? Or you want me to feel guilty about being happy?"

"I just wanted you to know!" he yelled back this time.

"Why? Why now, huh? Why not two years ago when I wanted to hear this from you? Why not then!?"

"Because I didn’t know it then!" he admitted softly.

"What makes you think you know it now, Doug?"

"Because I do" he shrugged. "My life is miserable without you, Carol..."

"And you want me to know that now?" I shook my head at him. "It’s too late, Doug...I don’t care anymore! Don’t you understand that? I think you need to get some help because you are really out of control right now..."

"Don’t do this, Carol" he pleaded with me. "It’s a major mistake...you don’t love Tag...I know you don’t! Can you stand there and tell me honestly that you love this guy?"

"I love what he stands for" I told him softly. "Security...and stability...all the things I need that I could never have with you..."

"But do you love HIM"

"I love him" I admitted, no longer yelling or angry now. "But, I’m not ‘in love’ with him"

"Then why are you marrying him?" Doug coaxed with me.

"Because he loves me" I told him. "And he treats me like I want to be treated by a man..."

"Don’t do this, Carol" Doug walked over and gripped me by the shoulders, forcing me to look at him. "Don’t make a mistake like this"

"Why didn’t you tell me all this before now?" I held the note up to him and sighed.

"I tried to....you wouldn’t listen...you didn’t want to hear it..."

"It’s over, Doug! I’m marrying Tag tomorrow and there’s nothing you can do to stop me!"

"OK, then just do one thing, OK?" I looked at him with a quizzative look. "Kiss me"

"What?" I almost laughed at his suggestion.

"Kiss me...and walk out that door. If you can do that, then, I’ll believe you can walk down that aisle tomorrow. But if you can’t..." he ticked his head and didn’t finish his sentence.

"You’re crazy" I told him, but I was already looking at his face and feeling the warm sensation of his lips on mine, tasting sweet and sending a tingle all through my body. My mind told me I should resist, but I was already letting him lean in close to me. "I shouldn’t let you do this" I told him emphatically.

"I know" he nodded.

He leaned in close and kissed me so sweet that I couldn’t help kissing him back. He wrapped his arms around me and I let him. Then, I slipped my arms around him, not unable to tear my lips away from his. He pulled me close to his body and I let him. He never turned me loose and started working his hands up and down my spine, sending sensations all through me. I couldn’t let go of him. I couldn’t stop kissing him. I knew I should be on the El and gone but I couldn’t budge. He held me spellbound and lost in his kiss. I took him by the shirt front and pulled him with me towards his bed but when we got to the door, he put his hands out on the door facing to stop us from going in.

"We can’t do this, Carol" he shook his head. "It’s not right"

"Nothing about our relationship is right, Doug" I assured him

"I can’t let you do this.." he shook his head.

"You aren’t ‘letting’ me do anything. I’m a big girl. I make my own decisions..."

"I just don’t want you to make one you’re regret later...."

"I won’t regret it" I assured him.

He let me pull him to the bed and we took turns taking something off each other until we plunged under the covers together. And then I couldn’t take my hands off him. I was all over him, completely wild with desire. Desire I never felt with Tag. Desire I never felt with any other man I had ever known. The kisses and touching lead to the best sex I’d ever had with him. I didn’t want to leave him...but it was too late. I was due to marry John Taglieri in less than 12 hours.

"Will I see you at the church?" I asked him from the doorway once I was dressed and ready to leave.

"I’ll be there" he nodded.

I went out the door and closed it behind me, making my way out of his apartment and heading for the El. What in the world had I done? I knew I didn’t know...it was an act of compulsion...Tag would never have to know...I headed quickly home to get ready for a wedding I knew now I should never have agreed to...

Doug:

Once Carol was gone I laid alone in my bed still thinking about her touch and her kiss on me. I leaned back and folded my arms behind my head and smiled in the thought that I was pretty sure she wouldn’t walk down that aisle today. She knew she didn’t love Tag...and now she knew she loved me...she just had to convince herself of that...

September 22, 1998