"ER"
"Storm in the Heart"
by Robin

Carol:

Everyone in the ER was munching pizza and marveling over the display of Christmas lights, but my mind was jumbling around all the things that had happened during the day. First Doug and Linda had returned from their trip to the Bahamas and Doug gave a negative for every positive thing Linda raved about. And I couldn’t forget how everyone had looked at me when Linda said Doug’s idea of a great vacation was sitting in a deck chair with a drink in his hand and I had casually remarked that something like that sounded pretty good to me. Doug had affectionately hugged and kissed me when I announced to him that John Taglieri and I were officially engaged, but I saw that look in his eyes whether anyone else did or not. That look of complete dejection. A look that looked like someone punched him in the stomach and he was trying to recover. I knew it hurt him. But I genuinely appreciated his congratulations and took his kiss on the cheek in friendship. The day had been a whirlwind...a wreck on the interstate...we were the only hospital with power...everything was coming to us...the ER had never been busier. The biggest tragedy of the day had been Mr. Ramos. An elderly gentleman who was brought to the in ER in a wheelchair, Doug had triaged him at the door...he was lucid...didn’t complain of any pain...answered ‘no’ to the questions Doug asked him. Doug green tagged him to the waiting room and moved on to the next patient. Less than an hour later, Mr. Ramos was in cardiac arrest. Doug jumped on the gurney as they brought him through to take him to the trauma room and started manually pumping his chest. He worked feverishly for 30 minutes until it was very evident Mr. Ramos was not going to revive. I heard him tell Mark ‘I missed it’ and I heard Mark remind him that he was human...but I knew Doug would take that death to heart. He was just that way. When the Sister went into the room to give Mr. Ramos his last rites, I saw Doug slip quietly out the side door. I stood at the end of the hallway and watched him walk to the end of the hall and turn to the wall, placing his head against it with his hand in his pockets and I knew he was fighting his own emotions to have the strength to finish the day. When Mr. Ramos’ family showed up, I offered to go with him to tell the family the news, but he refused, insisting on doing it himself. I stood and watched him with the family, the daughter bursting into tears, the wife’s face never changing, just shaking her head in disbelief...and Doug’s tight lipped face and sorry eyes...telling them they did everything they could...believing in his heart that it was all his fault this family was suffering. I didn’t see him all that much the rest of the day. He stayed pretty busy and moving from one room to another until finally, he was able to call it a day. I finally caught up with him with a chart I needed him to sign. He signed it and gave it back to me and I finally been able to ask if he was OK...OK with Mr. Ramos...OK with everything. He took the ‘everything’ to mean was he OK with my engagement. With a forced smile, he touched my shoulder, told me was glad I was happy, and told Linda as soon as he got his stuff they’d be able to leave. While she waited for Doug, Linda took time to talk to me. She asked me if I believed in one perfect love...like ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ one true love for everybody. I had honestly told her I didn’t know. And then she told me something that surprised me. Not only was I shocked to hear it but I wasn’t sure why she would take the time to tell me such a thing in the first place. She told me that if I did believe in the ‘one true love’ thing that for Doug...it was me. Doug had been trying for weeks to tell me he loved me and I kept refusing to listen. Now, someone else was telling me the same thing he was desperately trying to relay to me.

With Linda’s words still ringing in my ears, I put on my coat and hat and walked outside to get some air. I walked around the side of the hospital out to the basketball court around back. I stood at the fence and smiled, thinking of all the games I’d stood and watched Doug play there...and some of the games we’d played together...games that always ended up back at his apartment in bed. My relationship with Doug had been very passionate. I was ashamed that I couldn’t say the same for my relationship with John Taglieri. I was just about to walk back to the ER when something caught my eye in a shadow in a far corner of the court. I went through the fence and ventured in a little further...certain of what I had seen.

"Doug?" I called softly into the dark. "Is that you?"

"Yeah" came the soft reply.

"What are you doing out here? I thought you left with Linda" I moved a little closer to him to see that he was sitting on the side of the concrete wall, his coat open and no hat, just letting the snow drift down on him.

"I told her I had to check on a patient and I’d catch up with her later" his voice was like a monotone and he never even looked up at me.

"Was your patient OK?"

"There wasn’t any patient" he shook his head. "I lied to her" then he let go just a tiny little laugh and ticked his head to the side. "But, you would expect that out of me wouldn’t you? I’m good at lies. I just needed to be alone for a while"

"And Linda wouldn’t understand that?"

"She probably would but I didn’t feel like explaining it to her right now"

"Doug, are you OK?" I leaned on the wall beside him but he still wouldn’t look at me.

"I’m fine"

"Standing out here in the cold letting snow fall on you doesn’t make it look like it"

"I’m fine" he repeated.

"I’m really sorry about Mr. Ramos" I told him truthfully. "But, there was no way you could know. He seemed fine when he came in...it’s just one of those things"

"Yeah" he nodded slowly. "Just one of those things" he nodded. "One of those things about being a doctor that you never get used to"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No" he shook his head shortly. "You’ll just try and make me feel better. And I don’t deserve to feel better." he shook his head. "I don’t care how many times I do it, I tears my heart out to tell a family that someone they love is dead. It hurts even more knowing I could have prevented it...that it was my fault Mr. Ramos died..."

"It wasn’t your fault..." I reached out to put my hand on his shoulder for comfort and that seemed to ignite him. He shrugged my hand away quickly.

"It WAS my fault, Carol!" he suddenly raised his voice and looked right at me, his eyes flashing a combination of anger and hurt. "I want to feel bad about this for a while, Carol, so just LET me feel bad about it, OK? I was the one that missed the signs! I was the one that put him in the waiting room! It was MY fault! If I’d sent him someplace else, someone would have been with him when he went into cardiac failure and maybe we would have had time to save him! It was my fault..."

"OK" I nodded...not sure of what else to say. "If that’s what you want to believe..."

"If I tell myself that...." his voice trailed off. He obviously did not want to finish what he started to say. Then he shook his head.

"If you tell yourself that it’ll be OK if you cry?" I gave him a knowing tone. He didn’t answer, just kept his head down. "It’s OK to cry, Doug. It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human"

"I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you" he changed the subject quickly.

"It’s OK" I assured him with a shrug.

"No, it’s not OK. You didn’t have anything to do with it. I had to right to yell at you. I’m sorry"

"You’re hurting, Doug. You have to release that somehow. It’s OK to yell at me if it makes you feel better"

"You always know just how I feel" he chuckled lightly. "Nobody else can do that. Just you" he finally looked up and let his eyes meet mine. "How do you do that?"

"I just know you" I smiled and moved my hands into my pockets, leaning back a little more. "We were together a long time"

"Off and on for two years" he nodded. "Longer than I was ever with anyone"

"I suppose I should take that as a compliment" I nodded.

"You should" he nodded. "You were somebody special...you still are" he reached over and took my hand out of my pockets, glaring at the diamond ring Tag had put on my finger. "Nice ring" he told me.

"Thanks" I blushed a little.

"Tag should be able to take good care of you. Any woman who can marry a man who can afford a ring like that shouldn’t have to worry about anything" I didn’t know what to say so I just took my hand out of his and put it back in my pocket. "I could never afford to give you a ring like that" he drooped his head slightly.

"I never wanted a ring like this from you" I told him truthfully. "I didn’t ask for it from Tag. He picked it out"

"He’s showing you what he thinks of you" Doug’s voice was soft and quiet. "He’s very proud of you and wants everyone to know you belong to him. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just that I could never have given you something that nice"

"Doug, you could have given me a Cracker Jack ring and it wouldn’t have meant any less to me! Don’t you understand that? I never wanted a flashy diamond. I still don’t. All I wanted was a promise...a commitment...to know I meant something to you besides a good time in bed! I just wanted you"

"I know" he nodded, without ever lifting his head. "And I wanted to give you that...I just couldn’t"

"Why not?"

"I was too afraid" he kept his head down and his eyes away from me. His voice was so quiet I could almost hear the snow falling over it.

"I was afraid, too, Doug" I told him honestly. "I’d never been in love before either" this made him look up at me and I could see tears shining in his eyes. I wanted to reach out and pull him into my arms and promise him everything would be all right. But we were way past things like that now.

"You’re really not OK with this, are you?" I sighed.

"Did you expect me to be?" he shrugged. "I know I blew my chances, Carol. I guessing losing you forever is just punishment for me"

"I’m not trying to punish you, Doug...that isn’t what this is about. It’s not about you...it’s about me. I’m doing what I have to do for me. Tag loves me..."

"Do you love him?" he looked at me quickly, his eyes ripping through to my soul. "You always tell me how much Tag loves you...how he was there for you before you hurt yourself and then after as well...but you never answer my questions about him.

"What questions?"

"I asked you if you wanted to be with Tag...you didn’t answer me...just told me how he was ‘there’ for you. Everytime I ask you something about Tag, you give me some run-around answer. You never tell me anything directly. Do you love him?"

"Of course I do" I nodded solemnly. "I wouldn’t be marrying him if I didn’t"

"I don’t think so" Doug shook his head. "I think you love the fact that he loves you. I think you want someone to love you so desperately that you’re willing to throw your life away on someone who does whether you return his feelings or not"

"Well, you’re wrong"

"I hope I am" he nodded. Then looked up at me with sad eyes. "I really do."

"Why won’t you talk to me, Doug? You never talk about the things that bother you...you never did...sometimes it’s just so hard to read you..."

"You don’t seem to have any trouble"

"I can only read certain things. I know that you take losing a patient to heart and I know it hurts you very much. But I only know that from experience...not from anything you ever told me"

"I don’t like to make my problems somebody else’s problem"

"That’s what a relationship is all about, Doug! That you share everything...the good AND the bad"

"I know" he nodded. "I’ve just never had anybody in my life to give a damn about my problems...I guess I don’t know how to lean on anybody much"

"Well, you need to work on that"

"Yeah..." he nodded, then turned to me with a desperate look. "Why won’t you give me another chance, Carol?" his voice was pleading and cracking just a bit with the emotion he was fighting to keep inside. "I can make you happy. I know I can....YOU know I can!"

"I can’t do it, Doug" I shook my head slowly. "I just can’t take another chance with you. I can’t trust you. You haven’t changed..."

"I’ll make myself what you want, Carol...I know I can...I just have to try..."

"Doug, you just honestly don’t understand! I’m not asking you to change. I would never want you to change just for me. You have to be true to yourself above everything else"

"How can I do that when I don’t even know who I am anymore" he sighed.

"It’s really cold out here" I reached out and brushed the snow out of his hair. "Why don’t you go home and go to bed? You’ll feel better in the morning"

"Remember how when it used to snow like this we used to go to your place and you’d make that really good hot chocolate?" he smiled.

"Yeah" I laughed. "I remember"

"Do you do things like that with Tag?" He looked over at me quizzingly.

"No" I shook my head. "My relationship with Tag is a lot different than the one I had with you" "Oh" he nodded and lowered his head again. "I’m sorry"

"Well, I’m sure your relationship with Linda is different than the one you had with me, isn’t it?"

"Oh, yeah" he nodded. "It is"

"Did you really have a lousy time in the Bahamas?" I teased him. "I can’t imagine having a terrible time in such a beautiful place"

"It was OK" he shrugged.

"Did you really get sunburned?" I looked over at him.

"Yeah" he nodded with a chuckle. "Linda didn’t really know about it, though. Not until we got back. I didn’t want to spoil her good time"

"Doug, if you’re so miserable with Linda, WHY do you stay with her?"

"Because she likes me...and she doesn’t really want anything much from me that I can’t give her..." he shrugged. Then he looked up deep into my eyes. "And being with her is better than being alone. I drink too much when I’m alone"

"You drink too much when you’re with people" I scoffed.

"OK, I drink too much period" he shrugged. "But that’s my problem"

"It’s a problem for people who care about you" I told him softly. "And it’s going to get you into serious trouble one of these days"

"Yeah, well, I’m used to trouble" he shrugged again. "I can handle it"

"I hate to see you so beaten up like this" I told him honestly. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yeah" he chuckled. "You can give Tag back the ring and move in with me"

"Be serious, Doug!" I rolled my eyes.

"I was being serious, Carol" he looked at me, his eyes dull and dark, his smile sad and falling. Then he leaned over and kissed my cheek gently. "I was being serious"

With that, he walked quickly away, head down, hands in pockets, and he never once looked back. I stayed leaning on the wall, his kiss still warm and wet on my cheek, watching him go until he was out of my sight. As I headed back to the hospital there was another wet and warm feeling on my face...and I knew I’d have to get rid of that before I got back inside. I went to the ladies room and dried my eyes. Standing in front of the mirror I let my mind drift back to something I thought I’d long since forgotten about. Doug had mentioned we used to make hot chocolate. I remembered one time we both tried to drink out of the same mug and I got chocolate all over my mouth. Doug had kissed it off me and I could still close my eyes and feel his lips on mine, his tongue carefully working around all the corners of my mouth, eating the chocolate off and chuckling with delight. I loved to hear that chuckle of his so much it was the first thing I missed about him when he was gone. He was right. I hadn’t given him an answer about Tag. Because I knew the answer was exactly what he wanted to hear. And I just couldn’t admit that to myself just yet. I could learn to love Tag. I knew I could. I just had to give myself time.

Sometime later that evening, long after I’d left the hospital and was home alone, I picked up the phone and punched in a number I knew much too well. But all I got back was an answering machine message...

"Hi, this is Doug Ross...I’m not home right now but leave me a message and I’ll call you back. If this is an emergency, you can page me at 555-6161..."

When the ‘beep’ went off I just hung up the phone and walked over to the window. The snow was still falling and blanketing the city in white. I knew that Doug was out there somewhere...alone...and hurting. I closed my eyes and resisted the urge to put on my coat and go find him...telling myself that I had to find some way to just let go...wondering in my heart if I would ever be able to do that where Doug was concerned...

September 20, 1998