“Second Chances”
(continued)

Mark Greene carried a take out bag down the hall with him, turning into the step down room to find Doug Ross sitting up in bed, his shoulders hunched over a notebook computer on his lap.

“Good morning” Mark smiled as he closed the door behind him.
“Good morning!” Doug looked up at him with a weak smile.
“How are you feeling this morning?” Mark walked over to the bed, placing the take out bag on Doug’s serving table.
“Better, I think” Doug directed his attention back to his computer screen.
“Working on something?” Mark wanted to know.
“More like just checking a few things” Doug told him, nose still fixed to the monitor.
“I brought you some breakfast” Mark told him with a smile.
“No hospital food?” Doug scoffed. “And I was so looking forward to that!” he smiled now, turning his attention to the bag. “So, what’s in here?” he asked, reaching to take it and opening the top.
“Bagels” Mark told him. “And I brought you some juice from the lounge” he sat a Styrofoam cup with ice and juice down on the table as
well.
“Hey! Thanks!” Doug smiled as he looked inside the bag. “And
they’re still warm, too!” he reported, taking one out. “Is there any
cream cheese?” he wanted to know.
“It’s in the bottom of the bag” Mark nodded. Doug looked again and
nodded his head as he pulled out one of the small tubs of cream cheese
and a plastic spreading knife. “I owe you an apology, anyway” Mark
admitted quietly.
“Oh, yeah?” Doug chuckled as he broke the bagel apart and began
smearing it with cream cheese. “What for?”
“I did something a little under-handed to you and I’m sorry.”
“So, what did you do that I don’t know about?”
“I took your medical ID number and put it in the computer to pull some
information on you.” “Well, you have to expect things like that when
you provide an ID number!” Doug shrugged. “No big deal.” He bit
heartily into the bagel and nodded with satisfaction. “This is good!”
“Well, I don’t think I was really looking for professional
information.” Mark admitted shyly.
“Yeah?” Doug chuckled again. “What were you looking for?”
“Something in your profile that might have told me why a New York DA
is looking for you.”
“That’s really bugging you, isn’t it?” Doug mumbled through another
bite of bagel. Mark shrugged.
“I guess I’m just worried that the Chicago police are going to show up
or something.”
“And why is that a problem for you?” Doug wanted to know. “If they
do come, they’ll be after me, so, why is that a problem for you?”
“I guess I just don’t like trouble.” Mark admitted shortly.
“A real by-the-books kind of guy, huh?” Doug chuckled. “I know your
kind. Straight laced and by the book...nothing out of
place...everything perfect and nobody rocks the boat!” he took another
bite of bagel. “I used to work with a woman just like you.”
“Kerry Weaver.” Mark nodded. “Kerry and I talked about you quite a
while last night.”
“Oh boy!” Doug ticked his head. “I bet she had plenty of things to
say about me!”
“Actually, she spoke very highly of you and your work” Mark told him.
“She did mention, however, that you used to be a bit of a cowboy.”
“Just call me ‘Roy’!” Doug laughed. “Kerry’s OK, you know? She used
to ride my case pretty tight and we had some real dandy blow ups with
each in the past, but she’s a good doctor and I respect that. We’re OK
with each other now.”
“Well, I just wanted to apologize for intruding into your personal and
private life and I wanted you to know that sort of thing is not
something I do with every patient that comes through that door.”
“It’s OK” Doug shrugged. “I’m not hiding anything you should know
anyway.”
“I do need a list of the meds you’re taking for dialysis, if you can
give me that, though. That was something else I was looking for...”
“Then you should have pulled up a patient profile. I’ve got one of
those, too. I did one for the computer system so that no matter where
I was if I got sick they’d have all the information they needed in case
I was unconscious or something. I have a card I carry with me, too,
but, I think it’s in the car. Anyway, I’ll give you that...you got a
pen?”
“Sure!” Mark quickly took out a pen and a small notebook from his
pocket. Flipping the pad open, he nodded to Doug. “Shoot!”
“OK, OTC I’m taking Pepcid, twice a day, Tylenol, Extra Strength and
only at night, and Benadryl, again, only at night because I have
allergies and my nose gets really stuffed up at night when I sleep.”
“OK” Mark nodded, jotting all that down.
“Then, the script medicine is Rocaltrol, once a day, it’s a 5.0mcg...”
“Calcium” Mark wrote that down. “OK”
“Norvasc, 5mg, once a day for blood pressure...” Doug waited while
Mark wrote that on his pad, “Klor-Con, 10meq, twice a day...”
“Potassium?” Mark was surprised.
“I don’t get enough of it in my diet” Doug admitted. “Niferex, 150,
once a day...”
“And Iron pill?” Mark was surprised again. “I’m surprised they’d
give a man an iron pill.”
“I was a little bit anemic for a while and they just want to make sure
that doesn’t become a problem again so they want to build the blood up
as much as possible” Doug explained to him. “Multi-Ret Folic, 500...”
Doug continued.
“Vitamin” Mark nodded. “Yeah...”
“OK, and last is Phoslo 667mg. I take that at least 3 times a day
with each meal and if I snack much, I take an extra one. It just
depends on how much I eat.”
“Is that it?” Mark jotted the last one down.
“Don’t you think that’s enough?” Doug laughed.
“I’ve seen dialysis patients who take twice this” Mark informed him.
“No albumin supplements?”
“No, I do pretty good with meat and eggs!” Doug laughed.
“OK” Mark nodded. “Thanks for this” he shook the pad before he
flipped it shut and out it back in his pocket.
“No problem, Doc. Anytime” Doug paused quietly. “When do you think
I might get out of here?”
“I think you should be able to leave this afternoon” Mark told him.
“The only thing that concerns me is that you don’t have anyplace to go
and you’ll have to take a hotel room. I don’t really like that idea
much.”
“Don’t want me to be alone, huh?” Doug nodded, understanding his
point. “I’ll be OK, though.”
“I’d also appreciate it if you’d hang around Chicago for a few days
until we get you built up a little more. Driving is strenuous, and I’d
feel better if you were a little stronger when you resumed it.”
“OK” he nodded. “I can hang around a while.”
“I hope that won’t put you out much, or cause you problems with your
trip.” Mark told him truthfully.
“No, it’s OK” Doug assured him. “The guy waiting on the other end is
a friend of mine and I’ve already called him anyway. The job will be
there whenever I show up. It’s not a problem.”
“Well, good” Mark nodded. “There is one other thing...” he paused,
trying to think how he should word what he wanted to say. “But, I’ll
let David Morganstern talk to you about that...”
“Morganstern?” Doug brightened quickly. “Son of a gun! Ole
Dastardly Dave as we used to call him in Texas? He’s here in Chicago?”
“He’s here at County” Mark smiled. “We’ve never called him
‘Dastardly Dave’, though!” he chuckled.
“Aw, that was just a running joke among the interns!” Doug laughed.
“I’m sure he knew about it, though! He’s a great guy...taught me a lot
and not just about medicine, either! I’ll be glad to see him.”
“Then, I’ll send him in to talk to you” Mark nodded. “I’m sure you
two will enjoy catching up with each other. So, I’ll leave you alone
now to your breakfast and your email, and I’ll check back with you
later.”
“OK, thanks” Doug nodded as Mark started away but before he could get
to the door, Doug called him back. “Oh, and Dr. Greene?” Mark turned
his attention back to him. “If there’s anything else you want to know,
just ask me, OK?”
“OK” Mark nodded. “Just so I know, are you in some kind of trouble?”
“No” Doug shook his head.
“Then why does a DA have to inspect your car?”
“Well, not that it’s any of your business, and it’s surely not, but
he’s following up an investigation that he started in New York.”
“An investigation?”
“Yeah...an investigation on me. I might be a murderer. Does that
scare you?” Doug was being coy with him now, teasing him.
“Only if you are” Mark admitted truthfully.
“Well, relax” Doug chuckled. “I’m not. But the DA thinks I might
be. He didn’t have enough evidence to indict me but he’s not going to
give up until he does, so, he turns every rock eight or ten times.”
“That’s his job” Mark offered.
“Yes, to harass people. I know. But, I didn’t kill my wife. And
there’s no way he’s going to ever prove that I did because it just
didn’t happen and he’s going to have to learn to live with that. If he
got off his penguin butt and pounded the pavement looking for the real
killer as restlessly as he continues to peruse me, his case would
already be closed” Doug’s tone was annoyed...almost to the point of
being hurt. “Do you need to know anything else?” He asked Mark
quietly.
“No” Mark shook his head, now sorry he had pressed this to the point.
“I’m sorry.”
“Hey, it’s OK, Doc” Doug tried to brush off his feelings. “I said if
you wanted to know anything just to ask.”

Doug leaned back in his bed while Mark went on out of the room. Once
out in the hallway and out of his sight, Mark shook his head, then went
down the hall to pick up his charts and get started back to work.

David Morganstern gathered up all of his notes from his office desk
and started to the elevator. He was not a tall man, with sandy brown
hair, and very young looking for his 52 years. Half Scottish and half
Jewish, he enjoyed the celebrations of both cultures and engaged in
them often. The Chief of ER Medicine, he had begun his tenure at
County nearly five years before. Now, he was head of the Board of
Directors as well and his duties fell one step behind the Chief of
Staff. He was an easy going man but he was adamant about how he wanted
things run. He had entrusted Mark Greene with operations in the ER
after observing his actions and his work and he felt good about the way
things had been going. David was a fun loving guy with an impeccable
sense of humor, he could be the butt of a joke just as well as he could
deliver a punch line. He strolled into Doug Ross’ room with a smile on
his face.

“How are you feeling, Doug?” he asked quietly. Doug was working on
his computer and David didn’t really want to disturb him.
“That’s the number one question around here, isn’t it?” Doug
chuckled, looking up, and reaching his hand out to David for the warm
handshake. “I’m feeling much better, David. Thanks!”
“I’m glad to know Mark has been taking good care of you” David nodded
with a smile. “It’s good to see you, Doug.”
“Well, I wish I could say it’s good to be here, but under the
circumstances, I think I’ll pass on that remark.”
“Well, I understand you’ll be discharged this afternoon.”
“Yeah, that’s what I heard, too.”
“And, I also understand you’re headed west to take a position working
with Rick Schlister...”
“What was all this? Reported in the Chicago Tribune or something?”
Doug chuckled.
“Well, I know you two are close friends and he’s about the only person
I know of out west that you would be going to join” David smiled. “Is
this decision cast in stone? There’s no backing out of it?”
“No decision I ever make is cast in stone, David. You know that.”
“Well, I know how you used to be!” David chuckled. “But, I’d heard
you mellowed out after you married Caitlyn LaVorius and went into
research medicine!”
“I didn’t mellow out that much!” Doug assured him.
“I should have guessed that!” he laughed, “I was so very sorry to
hear about Caitlyn...” then, cleared his throat to collect his
thoughts. “Listen, Doug, I won’t beat around the bush, OK? The fact
of the matter is, I know what kind of a Doctor you are. And I also
know what kind of research work you do because I’ve read the articles
you’ve written and I know about the awards you’ve been given...”
“Been keeping track of me, huh?” Doug chuckled.
“I always keep track of my best students” David told him with a
smile.
“That’s probably the greatest compliment you ever gave me” Doug was
sincerely touched.
“I’d love to have you on staff here, Doug. I’d love for you to bring
your research work here to County. I have a proposal here all drawn up
of what we have to offer. I’d appreciate it if you would look it over
and then us get together and talk about it before you make any kind of
a formal decision” David held up his written proposal in a manila
envelope. “I know about your pain management research. And I also
know about your other pain control projects. I’d be very proud for
County to be involved in something like this, especially since this is
a teaching hospital anyway.”
“Well, I’ll certainly be pleased to look over your proposal” Doug
nodded, reached to take the envelope in his hands. “And I’m very
pleased that you approve of my research, David. That means a lot to
me.”
“Well, I don’t think either one of us will ever forget about Jesse
Dalton, now will we?”
“No” Doug shook his head, looking down slightly. “I guess not.”
“It took a lot of guts for an Intern to do something like that, Doug.
You jeopardized your entire future for that child. And I’ll never
forget it. I’ll also never forget how I felt when I found out you were
right after all...”
“You were the only one who ever gave me the benefit of a doubt, David.
That meant a lot to me...it’s something I’ve never forgotten about. I
don’t even know if I ever said ‘thank you’ to you for that.” “Oh, yes,
“ David nodded with a smile. “You did. Maybe not in those two exact
words, but, you did.” he cleared his throat again to quickly change
the subject. “So, have you seen your dad recently?”
“Yeah, I went out to see him a couple of months ago” Doug smiled. “I
took his granddaughter to meet him!”
“Oh, I bet that was a dandy meeting!” David laughed. “I remember
when I met my first grandchild!”
“It was the happiest I think I’ve seen him in a long time” Doug
nodded.
“I always admired the way you worked to keep that relationship in
tact. I hope Ray appreciates you.”
“I think he does” he smiled lightly. “He was really excited to meet
Cassidy.”
“And where is that little dickens now, anyway? Obviously, she wasn’t
in the car with you.”
“No, thank God!” Doug shook his head. “She’s with my mother right
now.”
“Hey, all the more reason to consider Chicago!” David laughed.
“Grandmother is near by to help you!”
“I’ll read your proposal, David” Doug smiled, admirably and flattered
to be coaxed. “And then when I’ve read it, we’ll do lunch, OK?”
“That’s all I ask, Doug. Thank you. You take care of yourself, you
hear?”
“Ya hear?” Doug laughed loudly. “I thought you left that kind of
talk in Texas!” he waved as David shook his head and started out the
door. “Thanks, David!”

Then, he opened the envelope and pulled out the proposal to begin
reading it over carefully.

Kerry Weaver hobbled into Doug’s room leaning heavily on her crutch.
Doug was not in his bed, but, standing in a bathrobe by the window,
glaring out at the still falling rain.

“Pretty gloomy out there” Kerry told him brightly as she recorded
numbers on his chart.
“Yeah” Doug nodded without ever taking his eyes off the window.
“I hear you’re being discharged today” Kerry tried to keep the
conversation going.
“Yeah, that’s what I heard, too” His voice was a monotone and his
eyes stayed fixed on the rain.
“You don’t sound very happy about it” she tried to coax him away.
“Oh, I am” He assured her. “Not sure where I’m going to go, but, I
can get a hotel room someplace, I guess” Finally he turned he
attention to her. “You know a good one?”
“A couple, yes” she nodded. “Are you OK?” she sensed something
bothering him and offered her ear if he wanted it.
“Just feeling sorry for myself, I guess.” he shrugged, placing his
hands in his robe pockets and walking over closer to her. “I don’t
like being alone much anymore. And I miss my daughter.”
“Well, she’s just in Winnetka, isn’t she? With Sarah? I’m sure she
wouldn’t mind driving her down here to see you while you’re here.”
“Maybe when I know where I’m going to be I’ll let her do that...”
“That’s something I wanted to talk to you about, too. I was thinking
if you wanted some company, you could stay with me for a few days. I
have a sofa bed and you wouldn’t have to climb any stairs or
anything...”
“That’s really nice of you, Kerry” he smiled slightly. “Are you sure
it wouldn’t cause you a problem?”
“No, not at all. We could catch up on old times. And if Sarah wants
to come and bring Cassidy to you, there’s room for her, too. I
wouldn’t mind at all.”
“Then, I accept” he nodded. “And thank you.”
“Oh, don’t mention it. Sometimes being alone gets to you. I’ll enjoy
the company” she assured him with a nod and a smile.
“Then, maybe we could talk about this proposal David Morganstern
brought to me this morning?”
“He brought that to you already, did he?” she laughed. “I know he
was plenty excited about it when we talked last night!”
“It’s a very tempting offer...just a few things I’d like to talk to
you about if that’s OK?”
“Perfectly all right, Doug. Any way I can help, just let me know.”
“So, how am I doing?” he motioned to his chart in her hands.
“Well, before you unhooked yourself from the monitor machine and went
across the room to the window,” she scolded lightly, “you were doing
pretty good. I do wish you’d keep that arm in a sling, though, for
your shoulder.”
“Hard to type on the PC with your arm in a sling.” he grinned at her.
“Well, then, leave the PC alone for a couple of days!” she told him
as she started out of the room. “Nothing on the Internet is going to
happen that you’ll miss if you rest for a day or so!”
“Hey, you sound just like somebody I used to work with!” he laughed
as she went on out the door.

Once she was gone and he decided he couldn’t stay still and a nice
walk out on the floor might be just the medicine he needed, so, he
opened the door and stepped out into a world he thought he had left
long behind him...the hustle and bustle of a busy ER.

Carol Hathaway walked slowly along the nearly deserted boardwalk along
the lake front. She had her hands in the pocket of her raincoat and
the hook of it up over her head to shield her not only from the rain,
but from the mist as well. The only other people out were dedicated
joggers scattered sparsely along her way. Sometimes she liked walking
alone in the rain. It gave her a chance to just be alone with her
thoughts. Today, she was thinking about David West. That was
something that happened every time she saw him with someone new. She
kept trying to tell herself she needed to just get over it, but she
just couldn’t seem to let go. She had loved him earnestly. And
completely. And she didn’t understand why he couldn’t love her back
the same way that she loved him. In her mind, she knew he was a jerk.
But, in her heart...that was a different story. She leaned on the
railing and looked out over the water, watching the waves slosh and
peak in a white cap, only to fall back down again. Off to the side,
she could hear faint quacking as wild ducks zoomed in to hunt for food
close to the shore. Carol loved walking in the rain. That way, no one
would know if it were rain or tears on her face. The whole situation
made her think of a song she remembered hearing once...

[I’ll never let you see the way my broken heart is hurting me. I’ve
done my crying and I know how to hide all my sorrow and pain. I’ll do
my crying in the rain. If I wait for cloudy skies, then you won’t know
the rain from the tears in my eyes. You’ll never know that I still
love you so, though the heartaches remain. I’ll do my crying in the
rain.]

There were other ‘rainy day’ songs. Carol had a whole tape of them
back home in her apartment and she played them sometimes. But she
never stayed depressed for long and going in to work was usually the
best cure for her blues. She got along well with most of the staff.
She was good at her job and she enjoyed it. And most everyone who came
through the doors of the ER had bigger problems than she did.
Her thoughts drifted to Doug Ross and she felt the corners of her
mouth smile just a bit. Such a nice guy...so kind...and gentle...and
he seemed to be very caring of things that were important to him. ‘Why
couldn’t I meet a guy like that?’ she wondered to herself. She
remembered the little jump in her heart when Lydia had thought this
patient on the trauma table was David. And she thought about how she
was just a little bit relieved when she realized it wasn’t. But, then,
after he was in his room, she realized he really didn’t look like David
at all. David was very tall...almost six foot four. If Doug was even
six foot even she would be surprised. And David was very tanned
because he was a sun worshipper. In the Chicago winter he went to a
tanning spa on a daily bases. And his hair...David’s hair was always
very close cropped...almost shaved. He hated to fuss with it and felt
that as a surgeon, the less hair he had to stuff under a cap, the
better off he was. Doug’s hair was longer, with small whips of curls
on the sides and in the back. She scolded herself for wondering if it
was as soft as it looked. And then there was the infamous tattoo...the
picture of a wild bronco standing on his back legs and pawing the air
with his front feet with the words ‘Stud Stallion’ beneath it. Modesty
was surely not one of David’s virtues. He thought he was God’s gift to
women, medicine, and surgery and he wasn’t shy about who knew it.
Carol was sure that was his mother’s fault. Bernice doted on him so
terrible there were times Carol wanted to puke when she was with them.
So, at first glance, yes, Doug Ross resembled David somewhat. But,
when the dust had settled, Carol realized it was only an split second
noticing and then it was gone. Just like Doug Ross would be in a few
days.
She frowned at looked at her watch...time to go catch the train. She
had to be at work in less than an hour.

Doug kept close to the wall as he ventured far from his room and deep
into the ER. As little as two years before, that has been the biggest
part of his world. It was fast paced and required quick decisions and
sharp know how...there was little room for error in judgment there.
And he had loved it...perhaps even thrived on it. He had kept it up as
long as he could after the beating incident, hoping against hope that
he would be able to continue. But after continuous night on his feet
leaving him without enough strength to even get out of bed, he knew he
was driving himself into an early grave. And he couldn’t do that to
Kate. Especially not after she told him she was pregnant.
Reluctantly, he had sacrificed his own dreams to do ‘the right thing’
for his family. And he still missed it. In his heart, he knew that he
probably always would. Although he did enjoy his work in research, and
he knew that he was contributing just as much to the medical world as
he had in the ER. But, still, he knew something was missing. It was
the excitement he missed. The pace and the feeling of holding a human
life in the palm of his hands. With his research, if he made a
mistake, he could simply start back at square ‘A’ and begin again. In
the ER if he made a mistake, the consequences could be much greater.
And for a reason he had never known, he seemed to feed off that kind of
stress. In his opinion, it made him a better doctor.
He couldn’t stop himself from walking close the work area. He stood
in the hallway, watching through the window at Mark Greene and the team
working desperately with a patient on the very table he had laid on
himself less than 48 hours before. The patient was a woman, and her
husband was as close as he could be without being an obstruction for
the doctors. He was clutching her hand and holding it close to his
face. Doug’s mind flashed back to a scene he would never be able to
erase of himself in this man’s place just six months before.

*****Doug’s Memory*****

He was working on a paper he was hoping to submit for the next
Pediatric Convention consideration when one of his colleagues opened
his door quickly with a scared look on his face. ‘You better come
quick!’ he told Doug. ‘They just brought Caitlyn into the ER!’ Doug
had raced down three flights of stairs in such a whirlwind that he
didn’t even remember opening doors to get there. When he got the the
ER, Caitlyn was in a trauma room, bleeding from places Doug couldn’t
even tell for sure where it started. He darted into the room and
grasped her hand quickly. ‘I’m here, Kate!’ he assured her. ‘The
baby!’ Caitlyn sobbed. ‘What about the baby?’ Doug looked
desperately at Clint Watson, the ER attending who was working on
Caitlyn. ‘Baby’s OK’ he assured Doug, pointing over his shoulder to
the next trauma room. Doug looked through the glass door to see
Cassidy, crying loudly while a nurse bounced her, trying to soothe her.
‘Cassidy’s OK’ Doug told Caitlyn. Wails of pain, tight squeezes of
his hand, and Doug knew things were not good. ‘She’s in DIC, Doug.’
Clint told him quietly. ‘Oh, God!’ Doug groaned. At that moment he
felt like someone had kicked him in the stomach. He raised Caitlyn’s
hand in his and rubbed it against his cheek. ‘Don’t leave me, Kate!’
he begged her. ‘I need you! Cass needs you! Don’t leave me!’ He tried
desperately to hold back his tears, but they were already slipping down
his cheeks and he knew she felt them on her hand. ‘Doug!’ she opened
her hand to spread her fingers on his face. ‘I love you, Doug!’ She
titled her head on the table and looked back so she could see him. ‘It
doesn’t hurt much, darling, really’ she promised him, but he knew
better. He was a doctor. He knew what was happening and that he and
everyone else in the room was powerless to stop it. Once Clint and his
team had done all they could do, he patted Doug on the shoulder and the
team began to break away. Doug knew they were giving him time with
Caitlyn before the end came. He pulled a stool over close to her,
still clutching her hand in one of his, and stroking her hair with the
other one. ‘I’m gong to die, aren’t I, Doug?’ she asked him quickly.
He tried to answer, but his voice was lost somewhere in his throat and
never made it out of his mouth. ‘Tell me the truth!’ Caitlyn demanded.
Slowly, he nodded his head and struggled to find his voice. ‘You’re
in DIC.’ he told her. ‘There’s nothing more we can do.’ His eyes were
so full of tears he could barely see past his hands. ‘Then, hold me,
Doug...hold me really close to you so the last thing I know in this
world is that you loved me!’ He reached his arms very carefully around
her and pulled his body as close to her as he could. She stroked his
hair gently and kissed his cheek. ‘Take care of Cassey for me, my
love.’ she told him quietly. Doug knew she understood there wasn’t
much time left so he just let her talk. ‘Remember all the things we
talked about, OK?’ when he didn’t answer she squeezed his hand. ‘Say
OK, Doug, so that I’ll know you’re listening to me!’ He took a deep
breath, trying to hold his emotions for as long as he could. ‘I’m
listening to you, love.’ he told her. ‘I’ll take care of Cass and
I’ll remember everything we talked about.’ She smiled through her
pain, with tears of her own in her eyes as she looked at his face.
‘That’s better.’ she told him. ‘You be a good boy, OK? None of this
reverting back to the old Doug just because I’m not here to kick you
butt in line, OK?’ he had to laugh a little at that, but just a short
chuckle. ‘I promise.’ he told her. ‘Oh, Doug...I love you so
much....I don’t want to leave you...’ She kept a hand on his face and
then she drew him near to her. ‘Kiss me, Doug...kiss me good-bye.’
With tears streaming down his face he pressed his lips to hers until
she totally relaxed in her arms. Instinct made him look at the clock,
just like he had so many times before in that room. ‘Time of death...’
he mumbled aloud. ‘1123.’ He released her from his arms and looked at
her lying lifeless on the table. He touched her face gently and tried
hard to to compose the raging rush of emotions he could feel inside
him. He looked up to see the nurse in the other room, still bouncing
Cassidy, trying to calm her and quiet her down. Slowly, he walked
across the room and opened the door between the two trauma units. He
walked over to the nurse and took his daughter from her, holding her in
his arms. He pressed her up against his chest, one hand on her head,
holding it to his shoulder. ‘It’s all right, baby...’ he told her in a
soothing voice. ‘Daddy’s here.’ Then, he laid his head against hers
and sat both of them down on the empty trauma table behind him and let
his tears fall, freely and unashamed.

*****End of Doug’s Memory*****

“She’s in DIC!” he heard Mark’s voice shoot through the air.
“What does that mean?” he heard the man ask.
“Doug!” he heard someone calling his name and felt his shoulder shake
a bit. “Hey! Doug!” the voice was sharper now, louder. He turned
his attention to it to see Carol Hathaway shaking his shoulder and a
confused look on her face.
“Huh?” he asked her softly.
“What are you doing out of your room?”
“I was just stretching my legs” he told her blankly.
“Well, I think you should go back to your room now, OK?”
“Yeah” he nodded. “OK”
“Are you OK? You look a little spooked!”
“Just been away from it too long” he told her. Carol looked over his
shoulder at the scene in the ER.
“Come on” she took him by the arm. “I’ll walk you back to your
room.”

He was very quiet all the way back to his room. Carol got him to his
bed and sat him down on it, but she was very concerned about his blank
state.

“Are you sure you’re OK?” she asked him as he slid himself onto the
bed.
“Yeah” he nodded. “I’m fine. Thanks!”
“Is something wrong? Did something happen?” Doug looked up at her
with sad eyes. “Is there something you’d like to talk about?”
“I was thinking about my wife” he told her. “That lady in the
ER...she was going into DIC...the same thing that happened to my wife.
I know how that man feels...I know what he’s going through right now.”
“Well, then, maybe you could say something to him to help him through
this.” Carol’s voice was soft and caring. He felt so at ease with
her.
“You think I could?”
“I think if anybody could, someone who understands could” she told him
softly.
“You know, I never thought of anything like that” he told her. “I’d
like to try” he nodded.
“OK” Carol smiled. “I’ll come and get you, OK?”
“Yeah” he nodded. “OK”

He sat on the edge of the bed still trying to shake off everything
that had happened. And he was suddenly glad he’d gotten out of the ER
before Caitlyn’s accident. Because he understood now that he would
probably not be able to perform to the best of his ability in an
emergency situation anymore.

“Doug” Carol came into the room with a very shaken man by one arm.
“This is Mr. Callison. His wife just died. I thought maybe you could
say something to him that might help him right now” she left the two
men in the room together and closed the door on her way out.
“I saw you down in the ER” Doug told him quietly. “I know what
you’re feeling right now.”
“How could you know what I’m feeling?” the man stammered at him. His
voice was midway between bitter and shaking.
“Because I lost my own wife about six months ago the exact same
way...she went into DIC just like yours did.”
“What is that?” the man’s face was twisted with confusion. “I don’t
understand all the medical mumbo jumbo.”
“Bascially it means she was bleeding from too many places for the
doctors to be able to stop it.”
“She bleed to death?”
“Basically, yes” Doug nodded.
“Are you a doctor?”
“Yes. And I used to work in an ER in New York until I went into
research about a year ago.”
“There was nothing they could do? You’re sure?”
“Absolutely” he nodded again. “Sometimes, no matter how much we
know, there are just some things we can’t do anything about. It’s just
one of those things.”
“What am I gonna do without her?” the man’s shoulder’s shook with the
grief he could no longer control. Doug reached out and put a hand on
his shoulder to offer whatever comfort he could.
“You’re going to carry on just like she wanted you to” Doug assured
him. “Do you have any children?”
“I have a son” the man nodded. “He’s 7. And I have a daughter.
She’s 4.”
“Then you take care of your children” Doug told him softly. “I have
a daughter. She’s almost 9 months old now. She was just three months
old when I lost my wife.”
“And you’re doing OK now?”
“We’ve had some rough spots, but, on the whole...” Doug smiled
slightly with the thought. “Yeah” he nodded. “We’re doing OK.”
“Do you think I’ll be OK?” the man wanted to know.
“I think you will be if you want to be” Doug told him. “But, don’t
expect it to be easy.”
“I want to thank you, Doctor, for talking to me. In a strange sort of
way, I think I actually feel better.” he reached out his hand to shake
and Doug met him halfway.
“No, Mr. Callison” Doug smiled. “Thank you...for reminding me how
lucky I am.”

Doug walked the man to the door and opened it. Carol was leaning
against the wall and turned sharply to them when she heard the door
open.

“Everything OK now Mr. Callison?” she smiled slightly.
“Yeah” the man nodded. “Everything’s OK.”

He went on back down the hall with Carol. But, she looked over her
shoulder at Doug and gave him a short wave. She silently mouthed the
words ‘thank you’ at him and he smiled at her with a short nod of his
head.
Then, he went back into his room to start packing up his things to
leave. Once his suitcase and things were ready to go, he sat on the
edge of the bed, still reeling emotionally from the scene in the ER,
and unsure about the future ahead of him now.

“Mark is going to drive you to my place!” Kerry announced to him as
she came into this. “Here’s the key” she handed him a silver key on a
chain by itself. “Just make yourself at home and I’ll be along when I
get off tonight!”
“Thanks, Kerry” he took the key and nodded to her.
“Anything you want to eat, just go ahead and fix it. If you want to
call your Mom, just call her. Don’t call her collect, just dial
direct, OK?”
“OK” he nodded again. “Thanks.”
“You ready to roll?” Mark called cheerfully from the doorway, jacket
on, and car keys in hand.
“Yeah” Doug slid off the bed to stand on the floor. “Can you give me
a hand with some of this stuff?”
“Sure!” Mark went in to take the cycler in it’s travel case and
Doug’s suitcase, leaving the computer in it’s travel case for Doug to
carry. “I’ll be back, Kerry” he told her as they started out.
“Thanks, again, Kerry” Doug told her as he followed Mark.
“Take it easy, Doug” Carol called to him as they passed by the front
desk.
“Thanks for everything, Carol” he smiled at her. “I hope I see you
again.”
“I’m sure you will” she nodded with a curious smile.

He went out the door behind Mark thinking to himself ‘You IDIOT! Why
did you say something stupid like that?!’ He followed Mark to a Sports
Utility vehicle and waited while Mark loaded everything into the back
of it and then opened the passenger’s door for him. Doug climbed in
and pulled the seat belt around him to buckle it into place while Mark
got in on the driver’s side and started up the engine.

“You don’t wear seat belts?” Doug asked him curiously.
“Not usually” Mark shook his head. “Why? Does it bother you?”
“No, it doesn’t ‘bother’ me. I just wondered. I don’t know what the
laws in Illinois are. When I started driving in New York, I just
buckled up because I didn’t know what the laws are in all the different
states were, and they always pull out of state plates over first!”
Mark laughed and nodded.
“Oh, yeah! They sure do! Well, Illinois law says you’re supposed to
buckle up, but I never do! Not usually, anyway.”
“Yeah, and I bet that’s about as reckless as you get, too, isn’t it?”
Doug chuckled.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Mark wasn’t angry, just curious.
“A guy like you?” Doug scoffed. “Come on! I bet the most daring
thing you ever did as a teenager was play Chinese Fire Drill in rush
hour traffic!”
“I’ve done some pretty daring things” Mark defended himself quickly.
“Oh, yeah? Like what?”
“Well, what’s the most daring thing you ever did as a teenager?”
“I don’t really want to say!” Doug chuckled and shook his head.
“Right now you think I’m a pretty ‘OK’ guy! But, let’s just say it was
a lot more daring than Chinese Fire Drill in rush hour traffic and
leave it at that, OK?”
“Fair enough” Mark nodded. He pulled the car into road traffic and
they began their journey to Kerry’s cross town apartment. “So, you’re
thinking about maybe hanging around here, huh?”
“I’m going to talk over David’s proposal with Kerry, at least” he
nodded. “It’s a very tempting offer. I have a lot of thinking to do.”
“Well, if I can help with anything, just let me know, all right?”
“I can call you if I have questions about things?” Doug looked over
at him quickly.
“Sure!” Mark nodded. “I know you don’t seem to like me much, but,
I’d be glad to help if I can.”
“It’s not that I don’t like you!” Doug chuckled. “I don’t even know
you so how can I know if I like you or not? You seem like you’re an
‘OK’ kind of guy...just a straight laced guy who plays everything by
the book...”
“What’s wrong with playing by the book?” Mark wanted to know.
“Nothing, if that’s how you want to do things...”
“That’s the way you SHOULD do things” Mark was emphatic.
“Most of the time” Doug nodded. “I agree. But, I think there are
times when you have to bend the rules a little bit for the welfare of a
patient. And when that time comes, I think people who play by the
book, like you, should be willing to give somebody the benefit of a
doubt. That’s all.”
“When you bend the rules, you run the risk of putting the entire
hospital in jeopardy. Do people who bend the rules, like you, consider
that when you walk over the line?”
“Yes, I do” Doug informed him with a tight lip. “But, sometimes,
people like me think that the welfare of a child, or any other human
life, is more important than what happens to a hospital or a job. I
didn’t go to medical school and become a doctor to save hospitals. I
did it to save people. And I will go to whatever lengths I have to in
order to save that life, no matter what it costs me or my employer.
The life on that table is the most precious thing I’ll ever make a
decision on.”
“Well, I guess that’s one way of looking at it” Mark nodded with a
puckered lip. “At least, maybe looking at it that way would take some
of the guilt away from you.”
“I’ve never been fired” Doug ticked his head. “Reprimanded a lot.
Put on probation. Even suspended a couple of times. But, they never
wanted me to get too far away on a permanent basis. Why would you
suppose that is?”
“I would say you must be a very good doctor” Mark admitted quietly.
“I used to be” Doug sighed. “I’m not a real doctor anymore.”
“Why do you think that? Because you don’t work a shift in an ER
anymore?” Doug didn’t answer, just shrugged his shoulders. “The
research you do is what helps guys like me do our job a little easier.
If it weren’t for guys like you doing all the legwork beforehand, we
wouldn’t save half the lives we save everyday.”
“Well, I guess that’s one way of looking at it” Doug laughed lightly.
Then, looking over at Mark, he added, “Thanks. I appreciate that.”
“Don’t ever think that just because you don’t pull a shift in a
hospital or pound a private practice somewhere 10 hours a day that
you’re not a ‘real’ doctor. Researchers are the greatest asset to this
profession that we have. I admire them. They do something I never
thought I could do. They are no less ‘real’ doctors than I am. In an
emergency, they can perform the same duties I can and probably better
because they have an upper hand and know more than I do. Nine out of
ten doctors who go into research usually have a medical reason for
doing so...just like you did.”
“I guess” Doug nodded. “I used to think I really missed it...until
today!”
“What happened today?”
“I watched you working on that woman in DIC...brought back all the
memories of Kate. I was with her until she took her last breath. I
knew exactly how that man felt today. And I remembered that when that
happened, I told myself then it was a good thing I wasn’t still working
in the ER, because I didn’t know if I could stand it or not after going
through that with her. I just can’t seem to handle things like that
now the way I used to.”
“In an emergency, your instinct would take over” Mark assured him.
“Yeah, I like to think so, too” Doug nodded. “Trouble is, I don’t
know. I was already out of it by the time that happened. I remember
thinking I was glad because if I had been the one that met them at the
door with Kate I don’t know what I would have done.”
“You would have stood aside and let another doctor do his job” Mark
told him. “Just like you did then.”
“I understood that day why doctors are not allowed to work on their
own” he shook his head. “I was a wreck.”
“I’m sure any man would have been in your situation.”
“Are you married?”
“Yeah” Mark nodded. “Sort of.”
“Sort of?” Doug was confused. “What do you mean sort of? You either
are or you aren’t!”
“OK, yes, I AM married. But, my wife and I don’t live together.”
“Well, that must be fun!” he laughed.
“No” Mark laughed with him. “It really isn’t.”
“Do you have any kids?”
“I have a daughter” Mark nodded. “She’s 5.”
“I bet that was a hell of a reach, huh?” Doug giggled, causing Mark
to laugh heartily.

Both of them pretty much decided at that point that they liked each
other. Doug knew that if he stayed around Chicago very long, Mark
Greene was likely to become as trusted to him as Rick Schlister
was...and that was giving the skinny, balding man a BIG compliment!
They reached Kerry’s apartment complex and Mark walked Doug in. They
elevator took them to Kerry’s floor and Doug opened the door with the
key she had given him. Inside, Doug smiled at the recognition of
several things in Kerry’s apartment. Things he had seen at social get
togethers in New York. Things he had seen that Caitlyn had bought and
given to her for Christmas and birthday presents. He slid the computer
case strap off his good shoulder and Mark put the suitcase and cycler
case down for him as well.

“OK” Mark jingled his keys. “I have to get on back. Will you be
OK?”
“Sure” Doug nodded. “I’ll be fine! Thanks for all your help,
Mark...” he paused, thinking, “Can I call you ‘Mark’?” “Sure!” Mark
smiled. “That’s my name! I’ll see you later, OK? If you need
anything just call one of us at County!”
“I’ll be fine” Doug repeated again. “Thanks!”

Mark went out and left him there...alone with himself...alone with his
thoughts....and alone with his fears.
The first thing he did was unpack a few things and set up his cycler
close to the sofa where he would be sleeping later. He picked out some
clean clothes, took his travel kit bag, and went down the hall until he
found the bathroom. He laid his clothes on the hamper in the corner
and walked over to the tub to draw water for a shower. He thought
about how he missed the days of a hot, soaking bath that he used to
enjoy at the end of a long day. But, once he was on CCPD, those days
were over. Though he could wear a waterproof skin patch and still
submerge in the water to swim, that was only because the pool was
chlorinated. Bath water was not, so, even with a patch, he would run
the risk of bacteria invading the peritoneum through his exit site and
giving him peritonitis. It wasn’t worth that risk. He had already
experienced peritonitis once in the early learning stages of his
therapy and he knew he never wanted to go through it again if he could
help it.
He wandered out into the hallway, looking for the linen closet for
towels, trying not to be nosy and just get what he needed. He found
the towels and went back to the bathroom, closing the door even though
he was the only one there and Kerry wasn’t expected for several hours.
It was just something he always did. He stripped off his clothes and
stuffed them into a plastic garbage bag he’d brought in with him so he
could take them and launder them later. Then, testing the water with
his wrist, he stepped into the shower and pulled the door shut behind
him.
The warm water rippling over his skin felt good to him, and he turned
his face to the shower head, cupping his hands to detour the water to
rush down the front of him. He was careful not get his hair wet
because of the patch covering the stitches there, but at the same time,
he enjoyed the splashes of running water as it dashed all over the rest
of him. He took the bar of soap from the holder and lathered it richly
between his hands. He ran his hands down his chest, soaping every inch
of it generously, being careful of his sore shoulder. Then, he let the
warm water rinse it all away. He repeated this process all over his
body...down his arms, and legs. He washed his feet, the back of his
neck, and took a wash cloth to wash his face and ears. Then, he stood
and let the warm jets of water pound down on his sore shoulder for a
few minutes as a therapy for it. Finally he felt clean enough and
turned the water off.
He stepped out onto the shower mat and reached for his towel, drying
himself thoroughly. He wrapped the towel around his waist and tucked
it to hold, going over to the mirror and wiping the steam away to see
his reflection. He looked tired. He needed a shave. He noticed the
large dark circles under his eyes. He reached into his travel kit and
took out a comb. He ran it under the warm water faucet of the lavatory
and then ran it carefully through his hair. He couldn’t wash his hair
until the stitches were out, but this would at least make it look a
little less shaggy. Although he knew he was badly in need of a
haircut. ‘You look like a sheepdog!’ he could hear Kate’s voice
taunting him in his mind. ‘I’ll get some ribbons and tie it up for
you!’ He remembered one time he let it go so long that he woke up one
morning with his bangs tied on top of his head in a pink satin ribbon.
He’d gotten a haircut before he went home that evening!
His hair combed back away from his face to dry, he took out his
shaving kit and laid it out on the counter top. He shook the can of
shaving foam vigorously and then opened the cap to squirt some of it
out on his fingertips. Spreading it gently over his beard, he took his
razor and ran it under hot water. Usually, he preferred to use an
electric razor, but, he needed a good, close shave today, so he opted
for the real thing. When he was working at Sinai he had a bad habit of
taking his electric with him in a coat pocket and shaving either in the
car while stuck in traffic, on the train, or even in the doctor’s
lounge at the hospital. He was not the beard type, although he did
grow one once just to prove he could. It itched him too much and he
shaved it within a few days of going through the trouble to grow it.
Now, he didn’t mind a stubble but anything more than that came off
quickly!
Carefully, he raked the razor across his face and winced against the
sting it brought when it made contact with his skin. Over and over, he
did this, being careful not to cut himself. Nicks were something he
usually did only when he got in a hurry. Today, he had no reason to
hurry. Checking all angles in the mirror, he toweled off the remaining
shaving cream and dried his face in a patting motion. Then, he took
the liquid after-shave from his kit and doused it on his hands.
Raising both hands to his face, he applied the after-shave to soothe
his burning skin, but the alcohol always brought him more pain than
comfort. Satisfied now that he looked human again, he took out his
toothbrush and fluoride treatment, running the brush under cold water
first. He squeezed out a generous blob of paste onto the brush and
scoured his mouth with it, hitting every angle of every tooth he could
conceivably reach and even brushing his tongue to rid it of the film
that had formed on it overnight.
Teeth fully brushed, he peeled off the white gauze patch and tape from
around his exit site and took his wash cloth to thoroughly clean the
betadine from around the area. He inspected the site to be sure it was
free of swelling or redness. Satisfied it was in excellent shape, he
doused a gauze pad with betadine and rubbed the antiseptic over his
skin and around the tubing leading away from the site. Then, he took
a fresh gauze 2x2 pad and placed it over the opening, taping it to his
skin with the white paper tape from his bag. Then he look some baby
lotion and rubbed it gently around the skin close to the tape so that
it wouldn’t itch or flake and irritate him or the site. Then, he
gathered up all his bathroom items, hung up the towels and wash cloth,
and took everything back to his suitcase.
Clean from his shower, he walked into Kerry’s kitchen to see what was
available to eat by opening the cupboard.. He found several cans of
soup and took one down, rummaging through the cabinet along the wall
for a pan to cook it in. Opening the lid with a can opener, he poured
the contents into a soup pan, put it on the stove, and lit the burner.
He opened drawers until he found a spoon to stir it with and then
looked in the overhead cabinets until he found a bowl. Tasting the
soup from his stirring spoon to see if it was hot enough, he nodded,
satisfied with it’s temperature, turned the burner off, and poured the
soup into the bowl. He went back to the cupboard to find a package of
saltine crackers, crumbled them up over the bowl and mixed them in with
the soup. He sat the bowl down on the table and went over to the
refrigerator to see what Kerry kept to drink. He found not only juice,
but also some lunch meat and decided a sandwich would be good with the
soup. Back to the cupboard to get some bread, he put the lunch meat
between the bread slices and put them on a plate from the cabinet.
Grabbing a glass, he poured the juice into it and then returned the
perishables to the refrigerator. Then, he sat down to enjoy his lunch.
After lunch, he reached into his pocket and took out the pill box he
always kept with him, fishing out the proper pills for this time period
and taking them with the remainder of his juice. Remembering he was a
guest in someone else’s home, he cleaned up the lunch dishes and put
everything away.
He went back through the apartment to sit on the sofa and rest. But,
he didn’t realize how tired he was until he sat down. His attention
was briefly caught by a clay pot sitting on a table across the room.
He recognized it right away. Kate had taken a pottery class one summer
and she had made it as a gift for Kerry, decorated richly with Native
American designs. He remembered he had laughed at her when she set up
her pottery wheel in the garage and Hades insistently chased the clay
as she whirled it around on the turntable. Not only did he stick his
claws in the clay, but, he often knocked over the glass of water she
kept nearby to dampen the clay as well, shaking his paws in disgust
that they were wet. All the while, Doug worked nearby on the car or
some other item that needed some handy work, laughing insanely while
his wife fumed at him.
Could it really have been so long ago? Sometimes, Doug thought, he
would never be able to forget Kate and what his life was like with her.
Other times, he found it difficult to remember what her voice sounded
like. And he was particularly sorry that Cassidy would never know her
mother. Sure, he had photos and video tapes, but she would never know
her mother’s touch or know the secure feeling of Kate holding her to
her breast to comfort her tears. Kate would never braid her hair when
she was bigger. He knew he’d be lucky to get a brush through it, much
less have the patience to braid it. That was something, he thought,
that he would have to work on. He and Kate had talked about ‘if
something happens’ but he never thought he would ever have to know.
Now, it was a reality. She didn’t want him to live his life alone
should she die first and he knew he didn’t want to. Yet, in another
way, he couldn’t imagine ever loving anyone as much as he loved Kate.
Unless, of course, there was something in the attraction to Carol
Hathaway. He knew the instant attraction had, of course, been that she
looked so much like Caitlyn, but that was only at first glance. And he
was sure it was the hair that even made him think of Kate to begin
with. Any woman with long, dark hair would get a second look from him.
Some men were attracted to blondes. Some to redheads. But, he had
always had a passion for women with dark hair. To him, dark meant
mysterious, and he liked that in a women. But, Carol didn’t seem to be
mysterious. She seemed very sincere. And there was something in her
eyes that he couldn’t shake away...something calling...something
begging....something needing. She did not seem to have the
devil-may-care outlook on life that Kate had always had. Carol seemed
more like a woman on a quest and not sure where to find what she was
looking for, if she was even sure what she wanted. And whereas Kate
made a joke out of most things, Carol seemed to be very serious about
things. What really had him thinking was the difference in their
touch. When Kate touched him, it always made him feel warm and safe.
But, when Carol had touched him, it sent a charge of electricity racing
all the way through him. He had never felt that before, not even with
Kate, and that made him wonder what it was about this woman that she
could do this to him. He thought maybe that was the same electrical
force that was drawing him to her in the first place. That was
something else he couldn’t explain. He had the reputation of being
quite a playboy in his younger days, but, once he set his course on
Kate, no other woman had ever been able to attract his attention the
way Carol Hathaway had. Why was he suddenly so mesmerized by another
woman? He hoped he would have time to find out.
He knew he’d have time to think about Carol later. Right now, he just
wanted to rest. He took out his headset and put it over his ears to
listen to the radio and the first song he heard was one he started
identifying with after he lost Kate...

[Oh where, oh where can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me!
She’s gone to heaven so I got to be good, so I can see my baby when I
leave this world...]

He leaned his head down against the arm of the sofa and pulled his
feet up to close his eyes for just one minute...

Kerry Weaver opened the door to her apartment with her spare key,
gathering the mail up in her arms as she went. The apartment appeared
to be empty as she went through, but once she reached the table where
she kept her keys and the mail, she could see Doug sleeping on the sofa
with the headset still around her ears. She went over to him and
pulled the afghan off the back of the sofa to spread over him and
gently slipped the headset off to lay it on the coffee table. Then,
she went off to the kitchen to fix something to eat for supper, leaving
him to the rest he obviously needed.
The scent of something cooking woke Doug up. He opened his eyes to
find he had been covered up and the headphones taken from him, so he
knew Kerry must be home. Slowly, he got up off the sofa and folded up
the afghan, letting his nose lead him into the kitchen where dinner was
cooking.

“I see you woke up” Kerry told him cheerfully. “I thought you might
want to join me for dinner.”
“Yeah” he nodded. “That sounds great. What are we having?”
“Oh, it’s just a beef and vegetable stew I threw together” Kerry
scoffed.
“Smells good, though” Doug nodded.
“So, did you have a nice nap?”
“Yes, I did! I took a shower and fixed lunch, too. It was all very
nice and I appreciate you letting me stay here.”
“Not a problem!” Kerry laughed. “I know we may not have been the
best of friends when you were working in the ER, but, Caitlyn was a
very dear friend of mine. And if you were good enough for her, then
there must be something to you that the rest of us never got to see”
Doug chuckled at her remark. “Seriously, though, Doug, you were good
to Caitlyn. And I know she was crazy about you. And you were never
really such a bad guy, you just made me nervous the way you did
things.”
“I remember my first impression of you” he chuckled. “The minute I
saw you I thought, ‘oh man! This one’s going to be a real hard ass’!
And you were. But, there were times when I really needed it, so, I
respected you. I knew right from the start you were a good doctor and
I could learn a lot from you if I just let myself. So, I tried.”
“I remember how Clark always wanted somebody in authority to be at the
hospital when you were on duty!” Kerry laughed. “He stayed so
terrified of what you might do.”
“Yeah, well, Clark knew me!” he laughed. “He knew I would go to any
extremes if I had to.”
“You’ve always been such an advocate for abused children” Kerry shook
her head. “And I never understood it since you were insistent that you
were never abused yourself as a child.”
“And I wasn’t” he told her. “That wasn’t a lie. I had a fairly
happy and normal childhood. I got my share of spankings, but nothing
out of the ordinary. And nothing I didn’t deserve.” he chuckled
lightly with his memories.
“Then why? Why have you always been such a crusader against child
abusers?”
“Because kids don’t have anybody to speak for them. They think
because they’re little, adults can do whatever they want with them and
that’s just not true. Adults are bigger and they should know better.
As a doctor, I always took it as my responsibility to protect them.”
“I have to hand it to you...you were never wrong in your judgments or
observations, that’s for sure.”
“You can tell when a kid is being abused.”
“I don’t doubt that part. It’s knowing who the abuser was that I
never knew how you were always just so sure.”
“You can tell that, too. All you have to do is watch the body
language of the child around the adults it their life. I took a course
in child psychology once I knew Pediatrics was going to be my field. I
know what to look for.”
“Speaking of psychology...I ran into Nina Pomerantz today at the
hospital and I told her you were in town. She said to tell you not to
leave before she got to see you.”
“Nina’s here? In Chicago?”
“Yeah, she’s on staff at County.”
“Well, I’ll have to make sure I see her, then! Nina is great! I
really missed her after she left New York! I haven’t seen a
psychiatrist since!”
“Have you needed to see one?”
“A few times, yeah” He admitted shyly. “I still have nightmares
sometimes.”
“I would think taking care of Cassidy would take your mind off a lot
of that.”
“It does” He nodded. “But, she’s not always awake!” he added with a
soft smile. “I miss her, Kerry. I miss her a lot.”
“I’m sure you do” Kerry’s voice was quiet. “I miss her, too. She
was a good friend.”
“Sometimes, I ask myself why it was her, you know? Why not me? I
mean, she was good and kind and she never did anything to hurt anybody
and I’ve always been reckless and wild and a little bit crazy...”
“It’s a natural feeling, Doug, to want to trade places with someone
you love. She would feel the same way if it had been you.”
“Yeah” he nodded, keeping his eyes shifted downward. “I know.”
“So, did you read over David Morganstern’s proposal?” Kerry quickly
shifted the conversation to another subject.
“Yes, I did” He nodded, looking up now. “It’s wonderful. Have you
read it?”
“Yes, I’ve read it and David and I talked about it as well. We also
presented it to the Board today. I put in a good word for you, since I
know you and I’ve worked with you in the past.”
“You put in a good word for me?” he smiled. “Thanks, Kerry!”
“You’re good at what you do, Doug. I’ve never tried to take that away
from you. And your research work is excellent. You’d be good for
County. And, I think in the long run, County might be good for you.”
“Oh, really? How so? How could County be any better for me than any
other hospital I did my research at?”
“Well, I’m not thinking exactly medically. I was thinking
personally.”
“Personally?!” he laughed out loud. “What could County possibly
offer me on a personal basis?”
“Friends” Kerry told him very matter-of-fact like. “You know people
here. You know me and Nina Pomerantz is here...that’s two of your
baby’s godparents right here in Chicago. Your mother is just in
Winnetka, not far away. That’s another person who can help you with
your child. That kind of personal help.” Kerry smiled at him.
“I guess I hadn’t thought of anything like that” he admitted lowly.
“You’re right, of course. The life of a single father with a 9 month
old daughter can get a little crazy sometimes. Which, by the way, I
called my mother. She’ll be coming tomorrow to bring Cassidy down
here. You did say that was OK?”
“That’s fine!” Kerry nodded with a smile. “And I can hardly wait to
see her! I haven’t seen her since she was baptized!”
“She’s grown a lot since then” he chuckled. “She’s really something,
Kerry. I don’t know what I’d do without her.”
“Without her you wouldn’t have a reason to get out of bed in the
mornings” Kerry told him truthfully. “I’m sure that’s why you have
her.”
“OK, so, let’s talk about this proposal on a professional side. He
says they will give me full control of the program and the authority to
bring in any doctors I choose to aid me in it?”
“That’s right” Kerry nodded. “Instead of working for someone, you
would be the boss.”
“I’ve never been my own boss” he snickered. “That might be
interesting.”
“You’d be able to manage your own time, which would give you more
freedom. With you on dialysis and caring for a 9 month old baby, I’d
think something like that would be very appealing.”
“Oh, it is!” he nodded. “It is, and I’m flattered to receive such an
offer. It’s just that Rick is kind of counting on me out there and I
hate to let him down.”
“What’s to keep Rick from coming here? Or why do the two of you even
have to work in the same state? The Internet runs both ways, doesn’t
it?”
“Well,” he thought about it, “Yeah! It sure does! I guess I never
even thought about anything like that!”
“It all just depends on what you were heading to California for. If
it was for a better opportunity for Cassidy, or if it was to work with
Rick and relocate closer to him, or if it was to get out of New York
and away from the memories.”
“Um, how about ‘all of the above’?”
“I’m sure in a lot of ways, that’s true.” she smiled.
“If I took this job, I could put a play pen in my office and keep Cass
with me almost all of the time until she’s ready for pre-school.” he
admitted, thinking.
“Yes, you could. And if you need a few hours away from her for a
meeting or something, the hospital does have a day care unit.”
“All that would work out great. I’d have access to the labs, and I’d
be on staff...I could confer with other doctors first hand...lots of
professional advantages here.”
“And then the personal advantages are an added bonus.” Kerry told
him. “You’d have people to help you with Cassidy. People you know and
trust without having to hire strangers.”
“And my mom would be close to her granddaughter...I really like the
idea of that, too.”
“I don’t think David is asking you to make a decision on this right
away. Take some time to think about it. The decision you make effects
both of you, you know.”
“Yeah, I know” he nodded slowly. “Sometimes I need to think about
what’s best for Cass instead of me all the time” he paused, thinking.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure” she nodded.
“If I tell you the real and honest reason I’m considering accepting
this proposal and staying on here in Chicago, will you not think of me
as a cad?”
“A cad?” Kerry laughed. “Oh, Doug! I’m sure I’ve had a lower
opinion than that about you in the past! Why do you think you’re a
cad?”
“The real reason I want to stay in Chicago is because of Carol
Hathaway.”
“Carol Hathaway?” Kerry laughed again. “What about her?”
“That’s what I want to know!” he chuckled. “I have not stropped
thinking about her since I first laid eyes on her.”
“Carol’s a wonderful person” Kerry told him honestly. “But, she’s
been hurt a lot and is coming off a bad relationship. She needs a good
man to show her that not all men are like David West...but don’t get me
started on that! You might actually be just what she needs.”
“You don’t think that makes me terrible?”
“Doug, Caitlyn is dead. That’s never going to change. And I know you
loved her deeply. But, you can’t lay down and die with her. You have
to go on living. And she would not expect you to live alone.”
“I know that. We talked about that sort of thing. And I know what we
said. But, it’s so hard to live up to that.”
“Of course it is. Did you think it wouldn’t be?”
“I never thought I’d have to find out” he sighed. “With Carol, at
first, I thought it was just that she looks so much like Kate that
caught my attention. But, sitting around here thinking about it now, I
don’t think that’s what it is. She’s ... different! I don’t know what
it is about her that draws me to her...but I think I’d like to find
out.”
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, Doug. You might
actually be good for her. After all, you’re a family man with a child
to care for...you’re settled and secure...those are all things Carol
needs. But, I don’t think you’re terrible for wanting to explore what
you’re feeling. That’s just the life coming back into you again.”
“It’s a strange feeling. I guess I always thought it would take
longer than this.”
“Well, fate moves in mysterious ways sometimes.”
“Fate!?” he scoffed. “You think I’m stranded in Chicago by some
weird twist of fate?”
“I don’t know” Kerry shrugged. “But, you’re stranded in Chicago for
some reason. Are you ready to eat?”
“Sure!” he nodded.

But his mind was already running in circles. If he was in Chicago for
a reason, was that reason this job proposal David Morganstern had given
him? Was there something he was supposed to find in his working there
that would change something important in the medical world?
Or was the reason Carol Hathaway? If it was for something in his
future with her, he just knew he wasn’t ready for that kind of progress
yet.
Once dinner was over, Doug helped Kerry clear the table and then
offered his hand with a dish towel in the kitchen. Kerry was not only
surprised, she was amazed.

“A man who helps out in the kitchen?” she scoffed. “I would NEVER
have taken you for that, Doug!”
“I always helped Kate in the kitchen” he shrugged. “It was always a
good way for us to talk about things that happened during the day.
Why? Do you think there’s something wrong with a man helping out in
the kitchen?”
“Oh, no! Of course not! I think it’s wonderful! It’s just not a
common finding!”
“I used to help Kate out a lot around the house. I did the
housecleaning every other week for her and I cooked on weekends
sometimes” his voice was very quiet with the memories. “I wanted to
help her. She deserved some time off, too.”
“You were a protective case when she was pregnant!” Kerry laughed.
“I remember she used to beg me and anyone else she could get to go to
lunch with her just so she could get out from under your watchful eye
for a while!”
“Yeah!” he nodded and laughed. “I know I drove her crazy but I just
wanted everything as easy for her as it could be. I guess I just made
things harder for her.” he sighed.
“Of course you didn’t” Kerry assured him. “It’s very sweet when a
man acts like that with his wife. Better than if you didn’t care at
all.”
“Yeah” he chuckled. “I suppose.”

Across town at County Hospital, Carol was working at catching up
paperwork on the front desk. No patients that needed attention at the
moment and no doctors asking her for something that was likely right
under their nose anyway, she seized the opportunity to do her own work
for a change.

“You know, you weren’t very friendly last night, Carol.”

The voice filtered quietly across the desk and she didn’t even have to
look up to know that it was David West. And she knew he was leaning on
the desk to be one on one with her like he always did. And she could
smell that unmistakable scent of his after shave.

“Hello, David” she continued to work without looking up. “I thought
you were friendly enough for both of us so it didn’t matter.”
“You know, Carol, you’re just not ever going to be happy until we get
back together!” he chuckled a little bit and reached to touch her
hand, but she pulled it back before he could make contact. “I see it
in your eyes every time I see you when I’m out! But, honey, you’re
just gonna have to get over me. It’s over between us.”
“It was over between us before it ever started, David” she shook her
head with a soft chuckle. “I never stood a chance with you and I knew
it.”
“You could have” he told her. “If you hadn’t wanted my heart and
soul.”
“Yeah, well, “ she shrugged. “My mistake.”
“But, that doesn’t mean we can’t still get together and have a good
time!” he coaxed her, reaching again for her hand.
“Is that all I am to you?” she looked up at him now, her eyes
flashing fire and she slammed her hand down on his to slap it away. “A
good screw?” he didn’t answer her, just sort of laughed and shrugged
at her. “Well, I’m sorry, David, but I need more in a relationship
than what you can give me in bed. You know, one of these days you’re
going to have to grow up and realize there’s more to life than being a
party animal and a bed hopper! I only hope I’m there to see it when it
happens!”

With that, she turned sharply and walked away, leaving him there with
that stupid look on his face that she hated to see from him. The one
that said he was asking himself ‘what in the world is wrong with that
girl?’. She often asked herself the same question about him...how
could she ever have fallen in love with a jerk like that...

Kerry had helped Doug pull out the sofa bed and then she gave him
linens to make it with and a couple of spare pillows she had in a
closet. She had helped him handle the floppy bags of dianeal for his
dialysis because it was still difficult for him to juggle them with his
sore shoulder. Because she was not overly familiar with the procedure,
she watched him as he went through his daily routine hooking himself
up.

“How long did it take you to learn all that?” she asked him quietly.
“The training course was a week long” he shrugged. “Kate went
through it with me so she would know how to do it, too. It looks
complicated at first with all the clamps and tubes and stuff. But,
once you learn where everything goes, there’s nothing to it!”
“How do you take care of Cassidy when you’re hooked to that thing all
night?”
“She sleeps in the room with me” he ticked his head. “I know that’s
probably not the best idea, as a Pediatrician, I never recommend a
parent do that. But, she’s in her own bed, just in the room with me.
I have six feet of natural tubing and when I’m not traveling I have an
extender that gives me an additional 15 feet. So, I can get up and get
to Cass if she cries. We do OK. I even have a rocking chair in the
room and we can rock in it if she wants to.” he smiled lightly. “I’m
going to be really glad to see her when she gets here tomorrow. I’ve
missed her like crazy. I don’t know how I thought I was going to get
clear to California and set up a life there for us while she was here
with Mom” he shook his head.
“I’m sure she’ll be happy to see her Daddy, too!” Kerry smiled. “I’m
going to turn in with some reading I need to get caught up on. If you
need anything else, just yell for me, all right?”
“I’ll be fine, Kerry, thanks” he assured her with a nod. “You’ve
been great and I want you to know I appreciate it.”
“Don’t mention it, Doug. You would do the same for me if the
situation were reversed, wouldn’t you?”
“Of course I would” he nodded, honestly.
“Sleep well, Doug” was all she added as she started away.

He didn’t realize how tired he was until he laid down on the bed and
sunk his head back into his pillow. Tonight, he wouldn’t think about
how much he missed Kate or how hard it had been for him without Cassidy
with him. And he wouldn’t think about Carol Hathaway, either. He
would just relax and get the rest and sleep he needed.

“Doug” he heard a voice calling softly to him. “Wake up, darling. I
don’t have much time.”

He opened his eyes slowly to find that the room was completely dark
except for a faint white glow directly in front of him. He reached to
see what time it was but he couldn’t’ seem to see the red glow of the
clock . Then, he remembered, he was not at home in New York, but,
rather, a guest in someone’s home in Chicago.

“I want you to listen to me, Doug. What I have to say to you is very
important.”

He heard the voice again. It was soft, but clear. It was coming from
the white glow in front of him. He turned his attention towards it and
he saw her...plain as day...Caitlyn was standing in front of him
surrounded by this white light. He sat up quickly, almost frightened
by what his eyes were seeing.

“Kate?” he questioned carefully. “Are you real?”
“I’m very real, darling, but, I can’t stay long. You must listen to
what I say, Doug, it’s very important. I want you to take that job
proposal David Morganstern offered you. I want you to stay in
Chicago.”
“But, Rick is waiting for me in California...” he stammered nervously.
“Rick is flexible. You can work things out with him. Your destiny is
here...in Chicago.”
“My destiny?” he was confused. “What are you talking about? What
destiny?”
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Doug. You’re supposed to be
here. Your fate is here. Why do you think you ARE here?”
“I had an accident...”
“Of course you did. Did you think you weren’t supposed to? It wasn’t
your hands on that wheel, my love...they were mine.”
“You were trying to kill me? To bring me to you? To leave our
daughter an orphan?”
“Of course not! I would never do that! But, your fate is here, Doug.
I want you to stay here. Please tell me you will.”
“I don’t know, Kate...” he sighed. “I had everything all planned out
for me and Cass...”
“Your fate is here, Doug...with Carol Hathaway...I want you to stay.”
“Carol Hathaway?” Doug was confused. But, when he looked back, the
glow was gone and the room was completely dark. “Wait! Come back!
I’m not done talking to you yet! What about Carol Hathaway!?”

He sat up in bed and realized he had been dreaming. It wasn’t
uncommon for him to dream about Caitlyn but he had never had a dream
quite like that before. He was a little shaken, as well as confused.
He was “supposed” to be in Chicago? His “destiny” was there? His
“fate” was with Carol Hathaway? His head began to spin with everything
he was trying to sort out inside it. This had started in New York as a
simple cross country trip to a job and a friend in California...what
had it turned into?