Mistakes

Carol:

The ER desk was as busy as it always is and I was working like crazy to get things caught up. I was so busy I didn’t have time to look up until a familiar voice caught my attention.

"Hey, Beautiful! What do you say we knock off early and catch a movie"

"Hi, Tag!" I looked up to the smiling face of my fiancé and grinned at him. "Dream again" I told him. "Do you see all this stuff I have to get caught up before I can leave here?"

"It’ll still be here tomorrow" he assured me.

"Sure it will" I nodded with a grunt. "Along with a whole NEW batch of stuff to do"

"Well, I was just in the neighborhood" he leaned across the desk and kissed me sweetly. "And I thought I’d stop by. What time are you off?"

"I get off at 7"

"OK, I’ll be waiting for you"

"OK" I smiled and kissed him gently.

He walked away and I looked up to see Doug Ross staring at me. I tried not to look at him, but, I could still feel his eyes burning into my soul. I looked up again to say something and he was gone. Just like that. This ‘stalking’ mode of his was really starting to get on my nerves. And I thought it was time I confronted him about it. I caught up with him later that day in the lounge and we were the only ones there...a perfect opportunity for me to call his best shot.

"You know, Doug, this ‘stalking’ phase of yours really has to stop. You’re getting on my nerves"

"I’m not stalking you" he shook his head. "When you engage in public display of affection you have to expect people to stare"

"You’re ALWAYS staring, Doug!"

"Is it a crime if I can’t take my eyes off you?"

"Don’t’ start with me, Doug, OK? Because we both know you’ve got a book full of lines and all you have to do is look one up!"

"Come on, Carol! What happened all the sudden?"

"Nothing’s changed, Doug. Surely you didn’t think it was going to"

"But, you took care of me...you cared about me...you took me to your apartment and you put me in your bed...you can’t tell me you didn’t feel something that night!"

"I care about you, Doug, because you are a co-worker and in some ways, you are a friend. I don’t care about you the way you want me to. I did once. But, I don’t now. And you are just going to have to accept that and move on past it because you threw away everything we had and we will not EVER have it again"

"You can’t marry Tag, Carol! You’re not in love with him"

"Oh, and I suppose you think I’m still in love with you? Grow up, Doug! You’re really getting pathetic" I turned sharply and started away, stopping at the door to turn back to him one last time. "And stop stalking me. I’m tired of seeing you looking at me every time I look up around here!" I pointed a stern warning finger at him and went out the door.

But, I couldn’t resist looking back in at him once the door was shut. He hung his head slightly and seemed to be trying to collect his thoughts and emotions. I pursed my lips as I looked in, his bangs curled just slightly on top of his forehead...his hands shoved dejectedly into the pockets of his lab coat...he looked so distraught I almost hated myself for scolding him. But he had it coming. As long as I told myself he deserved my wrath, then I didn’t feel guilty about doling it out to him.

What was it about Doug Ross that I just couldn’t get out of my mind? I knew I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure I had ever known. The only thing I did know was that the magnetism and passionate flame I felt for this man was like nothing I had ever experienced before in my life. And, try as I might, I couldn’t get is again with anyone else.

Doug was working at the desk when I got my coat and started out of the lounge to Tag’s waiting arms. He followed my out of the corner of his eye, but did not turn to look as Tag and I embraced in our usual greeting hug and kiss. But, as we went out the door, I turned my head slightly and saw Doug watching us leave. As just before the door closed us off, I saw his head droop down again before he turned with his chart and went down t he hall back to work.

I stood staring out the window at the rain splattering against the glass while Tag rubbed my shoulders briskly from behind me and nuzzled my neck gently. I let him fondle me for a few minutes, but then I shrugged him off.

"Not tonight, Tag, please?"

"I wasn’t asking for anything" he gave me a hurt look. "I was just showing you how much I love you"

"I had a really hard day" I offered him a lame excuse.

"I know... was trying to relax you" he turned me around to face him. "What bothering you, Carol? Are you nervous about the wedding?"

"I’m sure that’s it" I lied, but nodded to him with a blank look.

"Don’t worry about a thing. Everything’s going to work out just fine" he kissed me shortly. "I promise"

I looked up and smiled at him, then wrapped my arms around him and laid my head on his shoulder. I let him hold me and rock me but my eyes were fixed on a photo across the room. The picture in the frame was of me and Tag...but I knew there was another picture behind it. One of me riding on the back of a man with my arms wrapped around him, laughing wildly and he was really happy, too. And that man was Doug Ross. He was like a bad dream to me...he just wouldn’t go away no matter what I did to try and make him. No matter how many things I put away, there was always something new popping up to remind me of him.

But, I was going to marry John Taglieri. And when that day came I would put Doug Ross behind me forever and start a new life. Resting in this assurance, I closed my eyes and blocked out the image my mind was flashing from behind that picture of me with Tag and told myself everything would be OK.

Sometime the next day I was working at the desk when Mark Greene came up to start signing charts for me. Mark was the Chief Resident in the ER and he was somewhat of a leader. Most of us looked to him for advice and instruction. He was going through things in his box and something suddenly caught his eye.

"What the hell is this?" he exclaimed, holding up a single sheet of paper.

"What is what?" I moved closer to him to try and see what was upsetting him

"Where the hell is Doug Ross?" he demanded.

"Not in yet" Jerry answered him. "Comes in at 3"

"Well, when he comes in, you tell him I want to see him?" Mark folded up the paper and tucked it in the pocket of his lab coat as he started away. "Stat!" he finished as he went down the hall.

"Oh, man! He must have found Doug’s transfer request" Susan Lewis bristled lowly from behind me.

"What transfer request?" I turned to her quickly.

"Doug put in for a transfer to Mercy" Susan shrugged. "That’s all I know" she gave me a perplexed look as she started away.

Her words sank slowly in and I was absolutely stunned. A transfer? Doug wanted to leave County? This would mean I wouldn’t have to work with him anymore and see him everything. This was exactly what I wanted! So why was I feeling so panicky inside?

Doug:
I ran through the staff entrance of the ER and headed straight for the locker room to hang up my jacket. And I made sure I didn’t look at Carol Hathaway as I went past the front desk. Her lecture about ‘stalking’ her was taken to heart and I didn’t want to upset her any further. I changed into my lab coat and straightened my tie before going back out to the desk to put my name on the ‘IN’ board.

"Mark is looking for you" Carol told me quietly.

"I just got here" I groaned. "How can I be in trouble already!?"

"I think he found your transfer request"

"Oh? Good! Maybe we can get this done quick"

"Why do you want to leave? I thought you liked it here" She gave me a surprised look.

"I’d think that would be obvious, Carol" was all I told her before starting down the hall to find Mark.

I found Mark picking things up in a recently used trauma room and I greeted him respectively from the door.

"Hey, Mark! You wanted to see me?"

"I see do!" he nodded. "You got a couple of minutes to talk to me?"

"Sure" I went into the room and closed the door so that we could talk privately. "What’s up?"

"I found his in my box this morning" he handed me the transfer request I had filled out just the day before. "You want to tell me what’s going on?"

"I thought it would be self-explanatory" I shrugged at him.

"I’m not honoring this transfer" he shook his head. "In fact, I’m not even sending it upstairs to Morganstern! You’re not gonna run away, Doug...not this time"

"Hey, you’re not my father!" I shot a stern tone at him.

"No, but, I am your boss...more or less...and I’m not approving this request"

"Why not?"

"Because I’m not going to be the one who gives you a hole to crawl into. You can’t keep running, Doug. Sooner or later, you have to grow up and face things like an adult. Running away never accomplished anything"

"I can’t stay here, Mark" I shook my head slowly. "It hurts too much"

"So, it IS about Carol..." Mark shook his head. "And running away is going to win her over? I don’t think so, Doug..."

"I’ve lost her, Mark. And I can’t stand to see her everyday, kissing around on another guy...knowing that I can never have her back" I shook my head. "I can’t stand it anymore, Mark. I’m in love with her...and she doesn’t want anything to do with me...not that I really blame her..."

"You mean you never see how she looks at you? She took you into her home and took care of you when you got sick just recently...you don’t think she cares anything about you?"

"She wants to be my friend" I frowned. "I don’t want to be friend. I CAN’T just be friends"

"Have you talked to her, Doug? I mean REALLY talked to her? Have you told her everything about how you feel?"

"Yeah" I shrugged. "She doesn’t care. She’s too busy planning her wedding"

"Well, she’s not married yet"

"No, but she will be soon"

"Eh, you never know. Just because somebody PLANS to get married doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll happen. Life has a way of shaking things out sometimes"

"What’s that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, nothing really...just a generalization" he crumpled up my transfer form and pitched it in the trash can beside him. "That’s what I’m doing with that. You’re not getting a transfer"

"Then I’ll just quit" I shrugged my shoulders.

"Well, now, that’s up to you. I can’t stop you from that. But, look at it this way, Doug, if you stay here, you at least get to see Carol everyday and know how she’s doing and be part of her life. If you leave here, you will, in all likelihood, never see her again and spend the rest of your life wondering about her. Which do you think you can live with better?"

Having said his piece, Mark started out of the room, stopping beside me to clap a comforting and friendly hand to my shoulder.

"I know you’re having a hard time with this, Buddy" he told me quietly. "But, don’t you realize, Doug, that the fact that you can hurt means you care more than you ever have about anyone in your life? I know it doesn’t seem like it, but that’s a good thing"

"I love her" I told him honestly, and quietly. "I just found it out too late to do anything about it"

"Well, it happens that way sometimes. But, it doesn’t mean it’s final" He patted my shoulder and started for the door.

"She doesn’t love Tag, you know" I told him without turning around. "She loves me"

"OK" he told me from the doorway. "All you have to do is convince her of that"

I heard the door open and then shut again and stood alone in the trauma room with my mind completely jumbled with the thoughts rushing through it. I had compulsions of waiting in an empty broom closet for Carol to come down the hall and just grabbing her into it with me and kissing her until she begged me to take her. She never resisted my kisses. I had flashes of going up to the work desk and whisking her away and having my way with her. But, I knew I had to keep my distance...stay in my place where I belonged. I wasn’t the one she wanted in her life anymore. And I somehow had to learn to accept that.

Basically, I’d had my chance and I blew it. Now I had to live with it. I looked around the trauma room knowing it had been in that very room just a few weeks before that Carol and I had worked feverishly to save the life of young patient brought in. She had anticipated every move before I even made it and took a lot of the strain of the situation off me. Afterwards, alone in this very room, we had shared a tender and warm kiss between us. I’d held her in my arms and felt her body melt against mine...her lips on fire pressed to mine...all the passion and sweetness we had ever shared coming back to life. And less than eight hours later she told me she was moving in with John Taglieri. We had shared a kiss the ignited both of us, but she wouldn’t give in to me.

I supposed I deserved that much. I’d had a carefree relationship with her. We had good times. We had good sex. But Carol wanted more from me than I was willing to give. She wanted a commitment. She wanted a promise. And I didn’t think I could give her that. Now I knew better. And I was sorry I’d let her get away from me. And now it was too late...

"Doug?" I heard Mark’s voice in the doorway again and it popped my trance.

"I know, get back to work, right?" I chuckled lightly.

"No...Linda Farrell is out at the desk to see you"

"OK" I nodded lightly.

I jerked my feelings off my sleeve and put them back in my pocket before going out to the desk to Linda. Linda was a great girl. She was fun. And we had good times together. And she didn’t want anything from me that I wasn’t willing or capable of giving her. The situation was perfect. I just wished I could convince my heart of that.

"Hi, Sweetie!" Linda’s ever perky voice rang out to me as I came down the hall to her. I got to her and she gave me an affectionate kiss.

"Hi" I told her with a half smile.

"How would you like to go to dinner tonight?" she took my tie in her hand and pulled my coat gently together and she dawdled on me.

"I don’t think so" I shook my head. "I’ve been on duty a long time and I think tonight I just want to go home and sleep"

"My treat" she tried to coax me. "We can go to Cardins"

"You can take me if he turns you down" I heard Mark chuckle behind me, and I smiled.

"Really, I’m too tired. I wouldn’t be good company" I kept trying to beg off with Linda, all the while watching Carol out of the corner of my eye. She was standing at the desk and looking up from her work to give me that cold, evil eye of hers that she liked to give me when she was mad about something.

"OK, then, we’ll just go to your place and cuddle up close and watch something boring on TV that we can make out all the way through instead"

"Ummm" I chuckled. "As tempting as that sounds, I really think I’m gonna pass tonight, OK? I’ll make it up to you. I promise"

"OK" she smiled and kissed me gently. "But if you get lonely or get to feeling better, give me call, OK?"

"OK" I nodded. She kissed me again and waved as she went out the door. I chuckled as I went into the lounge to get a soda.

"You should wipe the lipstick off your face, too" Came Carol’s sarcastic tone from behind me.

"You know, I’d talk about somebody ‘staring’ at somebody if I were you" I shot to her quickly. "I noticed you couldn’t help watching me and Linda just now"

"Well, when you’re standing out in front of everybody, what do you expect?"

"Oh, and you and John Taglieri are any less noticeable out in the middle of the ER?"

"Oh, that’s different and you know it!"

"Yeah? What’s different about it?"

"We love each other! I doubt if you can say the same for you and Miss Drug Lady!"

"Her name is Linda!"

"I’m surprised you even remember her name!"

"Hey!" Mark’s voice boomed from the doorway. "If you two have something to talk about, I think you should take it someplace where you don’t have to share your conversation with the rest of the staff, OK?"

"Fine!" I nodded and started for the door, but Carol was right on my heels.

"Oh, no, you don’t! You’re not walking away from this fight, buster!"

Before I could say or do anything else, she grabbed me by the arm and led me quickly away from the ER...

Carol:
It was high time Doug and I got everything off our chest and there was no better time than now. I led him through the hallway to the helicopter port way and onto the roof of the hospital, where I could release all the anger boiling inside me.

"What’s the problem, Carol?" He waved his arms in the air at me. "It’s OK for you to kiss John Taglieri in front of me but it’s not OK for me to kiss another woman in front of you"

"You say that you love me and then you flaunt someone in my face like that?"

"Well, what do you care? You’re marrying John Taglieri! What do you care who I kiss?" I turned away from him, rage seeping through me, and I folded my arms across my chest as I looked blankly out over the Chicago skyline. "Why do you care, Carol?" he reached out and took hold on my arm, turning me to look at him.

"I don’t" I told him quickly.

"Yes, you do" he started rubbing my shoulders lightly. "I see it right here" he pointed to my eyes. Come on, Carol...stop fighting this! You love me...and you know it"

"You’re wrong, Doug" I pulled away from him and backed up a few steps. "I did love you once, but it’s all over now"

"It’s not over, Carol...all we have to do is give it a chance"

"You had your chances, Doug...more than one of them...and you blew them all"

"I can fix it, if you give me a chance! I’ll change...I’ll be whatever it is that you want me to be!"

"You just don’t get it, do you, Doug? I don’t want you to change for me! I never wanted that!"

"What am I supposed to do, Carol? You don’t want me like I am....and I don’t know what you want to try and change myself into that!"

"If you change, Doug, it has to be for you. Not for me" I shook my head at him.

"I don’t understand" he gave me an exasperated sigh.

"I know" I smiled weakly at him and touched my hand to his cheek. "And that’s part of the problem"

"I love you, Carol" he told me in a desperate voice. "And I know you love me. You can’t marry John Taglieri and be happy. He’s not the one you want"

"Even if that were true, Doug, and it’s really not, that is my decision. Not yours"

"It’s a mistake" he told me weakly, ducking his head down like he always did when he didn’t know what else to do.

"Then, it won’t be the first one I ever made in my life"

"Maybe not" he shook his head. "But, it might turn out to be the biggest"

"No, Doug" I smiled lightly and shook my head at him. "You were the biggest mistake I ever made"

There really wasn’t anything else to say. I walked away and left him standing there alone, his head down and his hand in his pockets. But what he didn’t know was what the mistake I made with him was. I was sure he thought I meant getting involved with him was my biggest mistake. But that wasn’t it. The biggest mistake I made was letting him go....

September 19, 1998