“ER”

“One Of Life’s Funny Twists”

Part Two

“Lost In The Fog”

Carol:

My nerves finally got the better of me. Being a nurse, I understand most of the things that pass through the ER, but Doug’s loss of memory was something I didn’t know much about. I went into the lounge already full knowing Mark was in there, and I acted like I was just there to get a cup of coffee.

“Is Doug still sleeping?” Mark asked me quietly.
“Yeah” I nodded. Then, turned to him, with my coffee mug in my hand.
“Mark, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure, Carol!” he looked up from what he was working on and smiled. 
“What’s up?”
“I don’t understand what’s happening with Doug. Can you explain to me how this loss of memory deal works?”
“Anytime a patient suffers a blow to the head there is going to be a chance of memory loss. Usually, the more severe the injury is determines the severity of the loss” Mark seemed to sense my concern in this situation. “I wouldn’t worry much, Carol. Doug just woke up from a two day deep sleep. I’m not surprised he’s lost some time...in fact, I was really kind of expecting it”
“You were?”
“Sure. I would have been surprised if he hasn’t had some kind of memory loss after all he’s been through”
“So, you’re not concerned”
“Not at this point, no” he shook his head. “This is probably just a temporary thing and once he’s been awake for a while everything will come back to him. I wouldn’t worry too much about it, really”
“What if it doesn’t come back to him? Then what?”
“Well, then it becomes a problem. And he’s looking at therapy”
“Do Amnesia patients ever remember what they’ve forgotten?”
“Some of them do...some of them don’t. It’s pretty much a roll of the dice with that. But, I really wouldn’t worry about it yet, Carol. It’s going to be a couple of days before we know anything definite”
“I want to help him...but he doesn’t remember me! What do I do?”
“Just be a nurse, Carol” Mark shrugged. “Just take care of him like
you
would any other patient. It’ll be OK”

I nodded and took my coffee out with me back to the front desk. But, I couldn’t resist looking across the hallway and into Doug’s room. He was resting, and he seemed to be comfortable...his body in a new position (finally!) and his head turned to one side on the pillow. Could it be possible that he had totally wiped out our entire relationship? I shook my head just thinking about it...I didn’t even want to imagine that.   Sometime later, I noticed the red light at the desk on and I pushed the communication button to respond.

“Yes, Doug?”
“Could I have some water, please, Nurse?”
“Right away”

I went to the supply room and got one of the patient pitchers and started filling it with water from the fountain in the hall. But, my head was reeling. He had called me ‘nurse’...not ‘Carol’. Was it possible that he truly did NOT know who I was? The whole idea of this was scaring me to death. I took his water to him and poured it into a glass to hand it to him.

“Thank you” he mumbled softly as he put the glass to his lips.
“You’re welcome” I nodded to him. “Anything else?”
“Can you tell me what day it is?” he gave me a very sheepish look.
“I think you better ask your doctor questions like that”
“OK, is Weaver my doctor? Or the big tall bald guy? With glasses?”
“Dr. Greene is your doctor”
“That’s the bald guy, right?”
“Yes, that’s Dr. Greene”
“OK, could you ask him to come in here, then? Please? Whenever he gets a chance?”
“Sure”
“Thanks” he went back to sipping water slowly as I started for the door.
“Excuse me, Nurse?” he called for my attention so I turned back quickly.
“Yes?”
“Your name? I didn’t catch your name”
“Hathaway” I told him shortly. “Carol Hathaway”
“Pretty name” he smiled.
“Thanks” I nodded and went on out the door.

Out in the hallway, I pressed my back to the wall so I couldn’t be seen from the glass in the door of his room and I put my hand over my mouth with the mounting scream I could feel rising in my throat. I went down the hall to the ladies room and quickly ran cold water in the sink. I plunged my hands into water and doused my face with it several times trying to calm the emotions I was fighting inside me. Doug truly did not know who I was. To not know Mark, his best friend, was one thing and scary enough on it’s own. But, to not know me...our time together...the things we’d shared between us...terrified me beyond description. If I was never a part of Doug’s life before in his mind, how would I ever be part of his life again?

“Carol?” I heard Susan Lewis come in the door behind me. “Are you OK?”
“Yeah, Susan, I’m fine!” I grabbed a paper towel and began dabbing my face with it. “I just felt a little faint so I came down here to get some water”
“Are you sure you’re OK?”
“Yeah” I turned to her with a forced smile and started for the door. “I’m fine”

She didn’t look too convinced but I didn’t pay much attention to it.  I went down the hall and back to my desk...and back to work.


Doug:

What was it about this raven haired beauty of a nurse that made me feel tingly from the inside out? I knew I didn’t know, but I hoped I could find out. When she walked in the room, she just simply commanded my attention to her and I gave it readily, and willingly, even if I didn’t know why.  I’d known my share of women in my time, but something told me I’d never known one quite like this. And when he hand touched mine when she gave me water, something electric shot down and touched clear to my soul. I’d never known anything like it before. And I wanted to know more! Once I was fully awake, I realized I could look out through the door of my room and see her working at the front the desk, so I raised the head of my bed so I could have a perfect view. And I just watched her...moving back and forth from different places at the desk...watching her write things on the board...and erase other things...conversing with doctors...and other nurses. She had the cutest little tush and I found myself wondering what her skin felt like and hoping I would get a chance to find out before long. If she was going to be my nurse, I was going to have to be a problem patient and need a lot of things I couldn’t get for myself... But, my thoughts turned more to concern as I looked around the room I was in.  Where was I? This surely wasn’t Mt. Sinai. I didn’t recognize anything familiar at all...except Witch Weaver. Maybe I was really dead and in Purgatory and my Punishment was going to be working with her for all eternity. But I knew that couldn’t be right. No angels like this nurse I’d seen in Purgatory or Hell. I looked on the bed for the asset tag and sure enough, I found one...COUNTY GENERAL, CHICAGO, IL. Chicago? What the hell was I doing in Chicago? Better yet, how did I get there? Something strange was going on...


Carol:

I was filing charts at the desk...things had been fairly quiet for an afternoon....when Mark came up to the desk to talk to Kerry Weaver. Not necessarily to eavesdrop on their conversation, but sensing it was about Doug, I made it a point of listening closely.

“Kerry, I think you should maybe talk to Doug and do the evaluation on him”
“Me? Why? He’s your patient”
“I know he’s my patient, but he knows you...he doesn’t seem to know me. I think he might be more comfortable with someone he knows”
“Tell you what, we’ll both do the evaluation and compare notes”
“You think he’s faking?”
“No...no, I think he’s legit in his memory loss, I just think we might draw different conclusions on what the next step should be”
“In other words, you think this could be a lengthily thing?”
“I’ll be able to answer that better after my evaluation, but, I think you should evaluate him as well”
“OK” Mark nodded. “Yeah, OK. I agree with that. You want to do yours first?”
“I’m kind of busy right now, but I’ll do it later this afternoon when I have some free time. I’ll get with you when I’m ready, OK?”
“Yeah, OK...thanks, Kerry” Mark turned around and picked up a penlight flashlight and headed across the hall...

I stood at the desk and watched as Mark turned the room lights off and pulled up a stool close to Doug’s bed so he could lean close and look deep into his eyes. The thought of being able to have my face that close to his made me wish I was a doctor right now instead of just a nurse...


Doug:

I was just about to doze back off to sleep when the big bald guy came back into my room.

“You’re Dr. Greene, right?” I tested my recollections of what the beautiful nurse had told me.
“Right” he nodded. “I just want to see how you’re doing” he flipped off the lights and pulled up a stood as he came back to the bed. “Can you sit on the edge of the bed for me, please?”
“I think I can manage that!” I flipped off the covers and pulled myself slowly around to sit on the edge of the bed in front of him.
“OK, the first thing I want you to do is....”
“Follow your finger with my eyes” I chuckled.
“Yeah,” he nodded with a grin. “Right. I forget I’m talking to a doctor sometimes. Don’t move your head, just your eyes, OK?”
“I got it”

He moved his finger from the tip of his nose off slowly to the right. I followed it as far as I could by rolling both of my eyes to the right side.

“Let me know when you can’t see it anymore” he told me.
“Right there” I told him.
“You have any pain, either in your head or your eyes right now?”
“No”
“OK, reverse” he took his finger back to the tip of his nose and started to the left this time. “Let me know when you can’t see it anymore”
“Right there” I told him almost quickly.
“Any pain, either in your head or your eyes right now?”
“Yes! My left eye is throbbing”
“OK” he nodded and I quickly put my hand up over my eye to give it some comfort. “I’ll let you rest a minute, but we’re not done yet”
“I’m OK” I recovered myself and looked back up at him. “Let’s do this and get it over with”
“OK, just going to look inside and see what’s in there”

He took out the penlight and leaned close to peer deep behind my eyes. The right eye was fine and I let him shine the light and look as much as he wanted. But, when the light hit my left eye, a stabbing pain shot straight through my eyeball and lurched up into my forehead with such intensity that it was all I could do to stay sitting on the bed. I gripped the sheet for support, but I couldn’t contain the groan of pain that came from my throat.

“Pain?” he gave me an interested look.
“Oh, yeah!” I told him.
“Can you describe it for me?”
“Sharp! And stabbing! Like you’re sticking a hot poker in my eye”
“Any burning sensations?”
“No, just stabbing pain”
“OK,” he walked over and turned on the light, “Cover your right eye for me and read that poster over there on the wall” he pointed behind him to some drug awareness poster on the wall and clear across the room.

I covered my right eye and I couldn’t even see the poster, much less read it.  I could make out a faint outline, but that was about it.

“Can you see it?” he asked me quietly.
“I know it’s there” I admitted to him. “I can see an outline but I can’t actually see the poster, no”
“So, you can’t read it?”
“If I can’t SEE it how can I read it?” I gave him a sarcastic tone.
“OK, you can take your hand down” he didn’t need to tell me twice. “I’ll get somebody from ophthalmology to come down and be sure but I’d say you have a detached retina”
“Great...just what I need”
“Do you remember anything? Do you know why you’re here?”
“I’ve got this bump on my head” I reached up and fingered the bandage.
“Do you know how you got it?”
“Somebody slugged me?” It was a question, not really an answer.
“You really don’t know, do you?” I shook my head slowly. “What’s the last thing you remember? Clearly remember?”
“Ramsey read me the riot act...something about Residents have to clear procedures outside their specialty with a superior...or something like that”
“OK” he nodded. “I’ll let you get some rest now...we’ll talk again later”
“When can I go home?”
“When you know where home is” he smiled from the doorway and then disappeared.

When I knew where home was? What kind of an answer was that?  Something about this guy REALLY bugged me...but at the same time, I kind of liked him. He was cool, yet, aloof.. My first impression of him was that he was a ‘go by the book’ kind of guy who maybe didn’t want to be that kind of a guy but he was too set in it now to try and change it. I laid back down on my bed and pulled the cover back over me, and almost kicked myself for not thinking to ask him about that cute nurse out at the desk.   But now I was really confused. The asset tag said I was at County Hospital and I was in Chicago. How did I get from New York to Chicago and not know anything about it? And where was Ramsey? Surely he would have been in to be on my case by now. He never missed an opportunity to tell me what a poor excuse for a doctor I was. I let my head sink deep into my pillow...it was still throbbing from the exam. I fixed my eyes on that cute nurse at the desk and just tried to relax...


Mark:

“How is Ramsey?” I asked Kerry Weaver, as casually as I could, as we both raided the snack machines at the end of the hall. I got a candy bar and she got raisins.
“Jim Ramsey?” she gave me a curious look.
“I have no idea...all I know is ‘Ramsey’...liked to read Doug out as often as possible?”
“Yeah, that would be Jim Ramsey” Kerry laughed. “He was the attending at Sinai...pretty straight by the order kind of guy....didn’t like Doug from the day he set foot in the hospital until the day he finally left. Why?”
“The last thing Doug remembers is ‘Ramsey’ read him the riot act over Residents having to clear procedures outside their specialty with superiors”
“Geez, that was a long time ago” Kerry looked surprised. “After that happened , Doug must have sent his Resume to every ER in the country trying to get out of New York...”
“Guess who one of the ones who answered it was?” I grinned.
“Good heavens, Mark, that was...what? Five? Six years ago?”
“Almost 5 years” I nodded.
“He’s lost five years out of his memory?” Kerry whistled lowly.   “That must have been some whack on the head”
“Hard enough to give him a detached retina” I nodded.
“Ugh! Are you sure about the detached retina?”
“Pretty sure, but, I’m going to have someone from ophthalmology check him to be sure”
“Five years, huh?” Kerry repeated as we walked on towards the ER.   “That’s a lot of time to lose, Mark”
“Yeah, I’m hoping it’s just temporary, but, I’m not so sure.   Something in his eyes just tells me we’re dealing with a major problem here”
“Did he ask you any questions?”
“I didn’t really give him that opportunity. The only thing he wanted to know was when he could go home”
“What did you tell him?”
“When he knew where home was, I’d release him”
“Well, you know, we really can’t keep him once the physical part is healed. The mental part is something he’ll have to work out on his own”
“Yeah, I know”
“And we need the beds in the ER...did you try to get him transferred to nuero or someplace?”
“Yeah, there’s no beds. He’s going to have to stay where he is for now”
“OK, but as soon as there’s another bed, let’s move him, OK?”
“Yeah...of course”
“And I’ll get in to talk to him in just a bit...” she started one direction and I went back to the desk. “We’ll talk later, Mark”

I went back to the desk in a state of shock from my conversation with Kerry. Five years...Doug had erased five years out of his memory. A month or so would be easy to jog back to him, but five years? This could take some work...


Doug:

I had a sense there was someone in the room with me. I wasn’t completely awake but I could just tell someone had come through the door. I felt the rush of cool air in from the hallway and the voices chattering at the desk got a little louder. I didn’t hear any footsteps coming across the room but I could smell that sweet perfume. I knew that nurse was in the room with me.  Now I had to figure out what to do...I was awake in a hurry but I didn’t open my eyes just yet. Did I pretend that something hurt and see if I could get her to make a fuss over me and try to steal a kiss that way? Or did I just reach out and grab her, pull her onto the bed with me, and take the kiss anyway? I figured either one would probably get my face slapped...and I already had a headache...so, I just opened my eyes and caught her attention as she picked up the water pitcher from the table.

“I’m just going to get you some fresh water” she smiled slightly.
“I’d rather have a coke” I told her honestly. “And I’m hungry. Can I have something to eat?”
“Sure...I’ll go down the cafeteria and get your a tray” she nodded.
“Thank you” I called to her as she started away.
“Don’t thank me ‘til you see the offering. You may change your mind” she laughed a bit and went out the door.

While she was gone, enter the dragon...Kerry Weaver came hobbling into the room, leaning on her crutch. She came over to my bed and stopped.

“Hi, Doug...how are you feeling?”
“I was feeling real good until about 30 seconds ago” I told her, sarcastic as ever.
“Mark said he did an exam on you earlier”
“Yeah, he did...he thinks I have a detached retina”
“Yeah, that’s what he told me, too, and I’ve already called somebody from ophthalmology down here to confirm that. If it is a detached retina, it can be corrected with lazer surgery...pretty painless procedure”
“Yeah, that’s fine”
“Do you have any questions you’d like to ask, Doug?”
“No, I don’t think so” I shook my head.
“OK, then, let me tell you this...you told Mark the last thing you remember is Jim Ramsey reading you the riot act of the procedures policy for Residents outside their specialty...is that correct?”
“Yeah”
“That’s clearly the last thing you can remember?”
“Yes, that’s the last thing I remember. If you’re gonna tell me I’m not in New York, I already know that...that or Sinai got a bed from County Hospital in Chicago” I told her quickly.
“Read the asset tag, huh?” she nodded, knowingly.
“So, that’s going on?” my voice was quiet...almost frightened...and I looked right at her to get her reaction. She shifted her weight, and stalled a bit, but professional as she always was, she gave me news I wasn’t prepared to hear.
“You left Sinai in November of 1991...that incident with Ramsey was pretty much your breaking point and you decided you’d had enough. You stayed the summer and finished out your Residency, while sending out resumes all across the country, hoping to get a Fellowship in Pediatrics, which Ramsey told you is not only practically unheard of, but that no hospital in the country wanted a doctor with your cowboy reputation. But, County in Chicago needed a good Pedes ER doctor, and they took you”
“Which is where I am, right?”
“Right...and you signed on here in December of 1991...less than six weeks after leaving Sinai”
“Then I did OK, huh?”
“Except for the fact that it is now September...1996” She let her words sink in before she offered anything else.
“199...6?” her words fell on me like a ton of bricks.
“Mark is your boss...you are a Pedes Fellow at County ER” she gave me the rest of the picture. The big bald guy with glasses was my BOSS?
“But that’s almost 5 years later!” I gave her a very frightened look. She handed me a newspaper and I saw the date, September 22, 1996, on the top of the page and I felt a rising panic inside me. “How could I lose five years out of my life and not know anything about any of it, Kerry?”
“You were brought into the ER two days ago with a very serious head injury...that would most likely account for your sudden loss of memory”
“Two DAYS ago? I’ve been asleep for two days?” she nodded her head slowly.
“Well, will I remember those 5 years I’ve lost?”
“Well, that’s something I can’t tell you yes or no...because I don’t know. And there’s no way to know. A lot of that is most likely going to be up to you. You’re probably looking at therapy and time”
“Will I still be able to practice medicine?”
“Of course...you’re a doctor...and you know you’re a doctor. I would imagine David might put a few restrictions on you at first, but, there’s absolutely no reason why you can’t practice medicine here. You’re on the staff here. That shouldn’t be a problem” she gave me a sympathetic look. “I’m very sorry, Doug. I know this is a big blow to you”
“I can’t remember any of the things you’re telling me....how did I get hit in the head?”
“I have no idea. That might be a good place for you to start. Maybe if you can remember that, everything else will come back to you”
“I think I’d like to be alone for a while, now, Kerry, please...if you don’t mind”
“Sure” she nodded. “If you need anything, just ask, Doug” she told me as she started away. “We’re all here to help you”

I sat completely shell shocked on my bed, Kerry’s words still rolling around in my already aching head, when in came that cute nurse again, carrying a tray with some wobbling red jello and a carton of milk on it.

“I couldn’t get much” she apologized as she put the tray on my serving
table. “But I put you on the dinner list so they’ll bring you
something good
in about an hour” she swing the table around and finally got a good
look at
what I supposed was my blank expression. “Are you OK?”
“OK?” I gave her a sneer. “OK? Am I OK? Sure! I’m OK! I’m OK for a guy who just found out he’s lost five years out of his life and has NO idea how to get them back!”
“They told you, huh?” she gave me a sympathetic look and sat down on the edge of the bed facing me.
“Weaver told me” I nodded. “She probably enjoyed every second of it”
“No, she didn’t. This isn’t easy for any of us, Doug. We all care about you very much...” she reached over and touched my hand very gently. “Some of us more than others”

Her touch sent that electricity pulsing through me again. I looked at her and she smiled. And he smile went clear up to her eyes...I honestly believed what she was telling me. It was just all so overwhelming...

“We’re all going to help you, Doug” her voice was kind, and soft, and caring...I could listen to it all day long and never grow tired of it.  “But, this is not a kind of thing you can rush...you’re going to have to be patient and just work with us as much as you can”
“Yeah” I nodded slowly, still trying to let everything sink into me and settle. “Can you just tell me one thing, though?”
“Sure! Anything!”
“Who’s David? Kerry said something about somebody named David might put restrictions on my working for a while...but I don’t know who he is! Who is he?”
“David Morganstern....he’s the Chief of the ER...he’s sort of your boss but Mark is your boss down here...David is Mark’s boss...he’s over all of us down here”
“OK” I nodded slowly. “When could I see him?”
“Well, I’ll tell Mark you want to see him and let him set things up for you. How will that be?”
“That’ll be OK”
“Now, think you can try and eat?” she jostled the tray and the jello wobbled.
“I’ll give it my best shot” I picked up the spoon and plunged it into the center of red blob.
“OK, I gotta get back to work, but, if you need anything, just buzz, OK?”
“OK” I nodded. “Thanks, Carol”
“No problem” she smiled and slipped off the bed. “That’s my job”

I watched her go out the door and back around to her post at the desk, absolutely unable to take my eyes off her. The way she walked...the way she talked...the electrifying sensation her mere touch gave me...I had to know this woman better. As I spooned up the jello a horrifying thought crossed through my mind...I’d lost five years out of my life...maybe I already knew this woman anyway? But, if I did, I didn’t know it! How could I erase a relationship with a goddess like that? A better question might be how did I get it back if I had?


Carol:

The look from Doug’s eyes had been so desperate and so frightened, I just had given him whatever comfort and words that I could to try and calm him down. I looked over at him, eating jello and sipping milk from a straw, and my heart suddenly began to ache for him. He was alone. And frightened. And the only person he truly knew in the whole hospital was Kerry Weaver...someone he
wasn’t particularly fond of anyway.

“How long will Doug be in the hospital?” I asked Mark quietly when he came up to get the things out of his box.
“I’d say another day or so, at least...once he can stand on his feet without wobbling, I’d say that’s a start.”
“Mark, how do you handle a case like this? I mean, he has no recollection of the past five years of his life...do you just send him home? To a place he doesn’t even remember?”
“What would you suggest, Carol? That I put him on a plane and send him back to New York?” Mark gave me a sarcastic tone. “He’ll just have to learn to deal with things as they come...and his first step, yes, will be going home to an apartment he doesn’t remember”
“That seems so cruel”
“Don’t worry, Carol...I won’t let him go alone...I’ll go with him.   Here....” he wrote a few things down on a the back of a prescription sheet and handed it to me. “Here’s a couple of really good books that deal with Amnesia.   You might want to go to the reference library upstairs and check a few of them out and read them. I probably can use your help with this”
“OK” I nodded. “I will! Thanks, Mark!” he nodded and I tucked the paper in my pocket to use it later...then I went back to work.
“I am out of here!” Mark told me as he came out of the lounge with his jacket. “Doug should be all right tonight and I’ll be in around 9 in the morning!”
“OK, Mark! Have a good evening”

When my shift was over, I went upstairs to the reference library and gave the librarian the titles Mark had given me. She gave me the books and I signed them out for 10 days. I tucked them under my arm and went straight home with them. I lit a fire in the fireplace and curled up in my favorite chair, opening one of them and starting to read. I wanted to know everything possible...and whatever way I could to help Doug through this. But I wasn’t prepared for some of the things I read that night...the book clearly stated that no Amnesia patients ever remember what they’ve forgotten one hundred percent. There are always things that remain patchy to them and some things that never return at all. It also said that ‘pushing’ a patient to try and remember things they’ve forgotten can have very damaging effects and that they can fall into “mimicking” or “pretending” to remember things that actually still have no recollection of just to try and please the person pushing them. Even though I really didn’t think Doug would fall into something like that, I wanted to remember not to ‘push’ or ‘lead’ him into trying to remember things. The book also said that forgotten memories could be triggered with familiar things...meaning anything in his apartment might serve as a trigger mode for him to remember something. The book explained that Amnesia effects different areas of the brain, depending on what brought it on to the patient. The book explained that because the brain has so many layers, one incident can trigger a memory and start a chain reaction, meaning he might remember one small thing that would trigger the brain to remember several other things connected to whatever he initially remembered.

But the book also stated that traumatic events were sometimes locked into the ‘black hole’ of the brain and the patient might choose to never recall those things which were painful to them in the past. And if that were true, I began to wonder if Doug would ever remember anything about our past relationship since so much of it was painful for him now. And if I was out of Doug’s past now would we ever have any future?


End of Part Two

To Be Continued

December 29, 1998