“ER”

“One Of Life’s Funny Twists”

Part Three

“Into The Darkness”

Doug:

I could look out through the door glass of my room and see everything going on out in the ER...nurses running back and forth...doctors running from one room to another.  Dr. Greene had gone for the evening...he had come in and checked out with me...told me if I needed anything Kerry Weaver would take care of it. I was sure Kerry Weaver would just LOVE the opportunity to “take care” of me. But, the truth was, right now, I was really glad she was there. At least she was a familiar face that kept me from being completely alone amid strangers.

I shifted my attention to thinking about that cute nurse....what was her name?  Yeah! Carol! Carol...Neil Sedaka did a song about a girl named Carol once...and this lady was beautiful like a song to me! Her hair looked so soft...I could almost imagine what it must be like to touch it. I loved the way it curled and fell about her shoulders and down her back. I could close my eyes and smell her perfume...so sweet...not heavy...just enough to linger in the air...and drive a man crazy. When she touched my hand her skin was soft...and smooth....not hard, or rough, or callused from working.  And her voice...it seemed to just float on thin air. I definitely had to get to know this woman better. But I needed to find out more about her first. I made it a point to ask somebody a few things about her...that Dr. Greene guy...he seemed like he was probably OK...I’d ask him.

My thoughts shifted to thinking about all that had happened during the day...the biggest slammer being I’d lost five years out of my life. I still had a headache. I reached up and fingered the bandage around my head carefully. How had I gotten hurt? I couldn’t remember anything past Ramsey yelling at me. And why did that stick out in my mind since five years had passed since I was under his thumb? None of it made any sense. I only hoped it wouldn’t take long to get all the answers I needed and get on with my life...hopefully in the company of that cute nurse, Carol.

“Do you have a headache, Doug?”

I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I didn’t even notice Kerry Weaver had come into my room and was standing near my bed. I popped my daydream and turned toward her.

“What?”
“You have your hand on your head....do you have a headache?”
“Little bit of one, yeah”
“Do you want me to give you something for it?”
“Aspirin would do fine”
“I’ll send some in by a nurse”
“Thanks, Kerry”
“How are you feeling otherwise?”
“I’m OK”
“I know you suffered a pretty hard blow today. I can’t even imagine what must be going through your mind right now. I want you to know that if I can help you in any way, don’t hesitate to ask me. Regardless of our personal differences, we are both professionals and I will always treat you professionally, no matter what”
“Thanks, Kerry. I appreciate that”
“Mark asked me to keep an eye on you tonight, so, if you need anything, you just let me know, OK?”
“OK” I nodded, and she headed for the door. Just before she could open it, I did think of something I wanted. “Kerry?” she turned back to give me her attention. “There is one thing I’d like to have if you can find it”
“OK, what’s that?”
“Either a Bible? Or a Priest? Can you get that for me?”
“I’ll see what I can do” she nodded.
“Thanks” I nodded as she went out the door and disappeared into the hallway.

I let my head sink deep into the pillow and I tried not to think about any of the things that were upsetting me as I closed my eyes and thought about sleeping...


Carol:

When I went into work the next morning, the first thing I saw was Doug walking slowly down the hallway, pulling his IV tree along with him. His head was still bandaged and he was wearing a blue terry cloth bathrobe and a pair of hospital slippers.

“Hey!” I smiled when I saw him. “Look at you!”
“Hi, Carol!” he smiled brightly at me and stopped. “I’m a little wobbly, but I’m on two feet” he seemed very proud of that fact, as well he should be.
“Where’d you get the digs?” I tugged on the front of his bathrobe.
“Dr. Greene got it for me...I think it came out of the ‘dead sea file’!” he laughed.
“More than likely!” I agreed with him. “Well, you’re looking good! And, I bet it felt good to get up and go to the bathroom, huh?”
“Absolutely!” he laughed.
“Can you get back to your room OK?”
“Yeah, I’m fine! Dr. Greene told me I could go where ever I wanted as long as I didn’t leave this floor or go outside”
“Mark” I corrected him lightly. From the things I’d read the night before I knew it was safe to tell him something like that. That wasn’t revealing anything vital lost from his memory, just something that might help start him down the right road.
“What?” he seemed confused.
“You call him Mark”
“I do?” he questioned me.
“Yeah, you do. He’s your best friend”
“I thought he was my boss”
“He IS your boss, but you were friends before he was your boss, so, you call him Mark”
“Mark” he nodded and repeated after me. “OK, Mark told me I could anywhere I wanted as long as I didn’t leave this floor or go outside” he grinned a little.
“Then, you should do whatever Mark tells you!” I touched his shoulder and started for the lounge. Before I got there, I turned back over my shoulder to him with a laugh. “You never do, by the way” I told him and he smiled.
“I never do what?”
“You never do whatever Mark tells you”

Before the lounge door closed us off, I heard him chuckle. God, I loved to hear that chuckle! It always just rippled out of his throat and was the only sign of an emotion other than anger and calm anyone ever got from Doug. When we were together he used to chuckle a lot and I just loved to see that light in his eyes whenever he did. By the time I hung up my jacket. got my coffee, and got out to the desk, he was right there, leaning on it. He smiled when he saw me, but I also noticed something I hadn’t before...his eyes lit up when he smiled.

“Is this where I check in?” he laughed.

The instant he said those words my mind did a turnaround! Everything around me completely blanked out. I stayed focused on his smile, those cute little crinkles around his eyes, and his words...

* * * * * * * * * * F L A S H B A C K * * * * * * * * * *

I was working at the front desk, too busy to breathe, practically, shuffling papers and answering the phone while at the same time trying to rope doctors to take care of the patients that suddenly seemed to be stacked on top of each other, when my world was suddenly stopped by an innocent question...

“Is this where I check in?”

The voice came with a chuckle and from across the desk in front of me.  I looked up into the most gorgeous pair of brown eyes I’d ever seen in my life, resting brightly beneath his carefully combed hair, parted on the side and brushed over, with just a small hint of curl in the tip of his bangs. His smile was not a full smile, just a half turned up corner of his mouth. He looked at me full on, waiting for an answer.  Standing before me in a dark wool coat with a scarf around his neck, a beautiful blue shirt collar and a small glimpse of a dark tie showing through where the top button of his coat was undone, I lost all track of everything just staring at him.

“Excuse me?” I shook the effects off and turned my attention to him.
“Is this where I check in?” he repeated with a smile. “I’m Dr. Ross. I’m supposed to start here today!”
“Dr. Ross! Yes! Of course! I’ll tell Dr. Greene you’re here!”
“Dr. Greene?” he nodded shortly. “They told me I’d be working with Dr. Bernstein”
“Oh, well, I don’t know anything about any of that. I only know that Dr. Greene told me this morning when you showed up to give you to him”
“Well, then, let’s find Dr. Greene, shall we, Nurse...” he leaned forward to read the name on my ID tag. “Nurse Hathaway?”
“Yeah” I nodded, looking down at my ID my own self, “But you can call me Carol”
“Well, OK, Carol” he smiled. “Let’s go find Dr. Greene, then”

What WAS it about his voice and the way he said my name that made me revert back to acting like a teenager when the high school football captain walked by? I felt like a giddy school girl as I walked around the desk to lead him down the hall to Mark.  And he never stopped smiling, either. We found Mark, down in a deserted exam room, and my work was done.

“Mark, this is Dr. Ross...you said to bring him to you when he got here?”
“Yes, I did!” Mark quickly reached his hand for Doug to shake. “Thank you, Carol!”
“Yes” Dr. Ross smiled and his eyes lit up with a twinkle, “Thank you, Carol” he told me as I slipped out the door, completely unable to take my eyes off him.

He watched me every inch of the way out the door, his eyes twinkling, that half smile on his lips. And I couldn’t take my eyes off him, either. I must have looked like a fool to him as I left him there alone with Mark...

* * * * * * * * * * F L A S H B A C K T O P R E S E N T * * * * * * ** * **

“Hello?” Doug’s voice and his chuckle brought me back to reality. “Are you in there?” he laughed as he waved his hands in front of my face.
“I’m sorry, Doug!” I gave him my attention now. “I was thinking about something else, what did you say?”
“Is this where I check in?” he repeated with another chuckle, picking up a pen and tapping it on the desk. “Is this where patients check in?”
“Oh!” I finally recovered from my daydream enough to know what he was saying. “Yeah! This is where patients check in” I told him, shaking my head with an embarrassed smile creeping across my face.
“What were you thinking about?”
“Oh, something that happened a long time ago” I told him truthfully.   “I think you’ve been on your feet long enough” I gave him a scolding look. “I think you better go back to bed”
“Yes, Ma’am” he nodded quickly and pulled his IV tree towards his room.

I watched him all the way into the room and back to his bed, turning to my work once I saw he was settled.


Doug:

I laid on my bed and raised the head so I could see Carol as she worked at the desk across from my room. What a perfect room. Whoever put me there needed to know my gratitude. They were surely making my stay there more pleasant! Sometime early, shortly after I got back from my walk, someone from opthamology came down and examined my left eye very carefully. He then backed up Dr. Greene’s theory that I had a detached retina.

“But you’re in luck!” he told me brightly. “I can get you into surgery this afternoon and you should be able to go home tonight, provided Dr. Greene is ready to release you”
“How long do I have to wear an eye patch?” I asked him with a sigh and a knowing tone.
“Probably just a couple of days. You can take it off at night after the sun goes down, but not for at least 48 hours. And you’ll be able to judge when you eye can stand the light. I’ll let you call that shot. Now, you wear contact lenses, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do”
“OK, you won’t be able to wear them for several months, so, I suggest you get out your old glasses and wear them for a while”
“That would be great, except that my old glasses are about 3 prescriptions old!” I laughed.
“Do you have your contacts with you?”
“I’m sure they’re around here someplace...they probably took them out in the ER when they brought me in. I’ll ask Dr. Gree...Mark”
“I’ll ask Mark about them....I’ll be talking to him about your surgery anyway”
“OK”
"Then when we take you to surgery I’ll take your contacts and make a glasses prescription from them so you can get your glasses quicker”
“Sounds good”
“OK, Doug, we’ll take good care of you...don’t worry!” he patted my shoulder and headed back out.

Everybody knew me. Everybody called me ‘Doug’ and was nice to me. It was an odd feeling not to know anybody when everybody knew me. Carol came in to bring me more water and caught me in my deep thoughts.

“Are you OK?” she asked me quietly.
“Yeah” I shrugged everything off. “Could I get you to do me a real favor?”
“Sure, if I can”
“When they have the prescription for my glasses, would you pick out a nice pair of frames for me in the lab so I can get them today and maybe get to go home tonight?”
“You want me to pick out a pair of glasses frames for you?” she almost laughed, she was so surprised.
“Yeah” I nodded. “Could you do that? Please?”
“Yeah” she nodded, “Sure. I can do that”
“Thanks” I told her quietly. “I appreciate that.
“Don’t mention it” she smiled.

She left a pitcher of water for me and headed back to her desk to work...and I watched every step she took, completely unable to take my eyes off her...


Carol:

I was somehow making it a point to be sure I listened whenever Mark and Kerry got together to talk in case they said something about Doug. I just wanted to know everything that was going on with him.

“How did Doug do last night?” I heard Mark ask Kerry quietly.
“He was fine. No problems”
“Good, I think I’m going to release him after the lazer surgery this afternoon”
“What about that blood clot? Is it no longer a concern?”
“A minor concern. I’m keeping an eye on it. I’ll talk to him more about that, too. And the hairline fracture”
“Well, he’ll probably rest better in his own bed at home, anyway”
“Yeah, probably. Did he need anything last night?”
“Yeah, he strangest thing! He asked me to find either a Bible or a Priest for him”
“Did you find one?” Mark shrugged.
“Yeah, I got him a Bible”
“Was that what he wanted?”
“Must have been...he read it half the night, shuffling through it looking for things...and he didn’t ask for anything else” she shook her head.
“Almost knocked me through the floor for Doug Ross to ask for a Bible. I didn’t know he even knew what one was”
“Probably just nervous” Mark admonished. “He had a lot leveled on him yesterday”
“Yeah” Kerry nodded in agreement. “I guess” after a pause, she gave Mark another thought. “You didn’t by some chance yell at him for something during the day of the night he got hurt, did you?”
“You know, come to think of it, I did” Mark nodded. “So, I guess that explains some of what he’s thinking because the only thing he clearly remembers is being yelled at for something”
“Uh huh, he just doesn’t remember by who”
“Well, maybe it will all come back to him later”

They broke up their meeting and went their separate ways back to work. Now, somewhere in the back of my mind I could hear my Mother’s voice, asking me what the HELL I thought I was doing around Doug Ross again. My Mother LOVED to rag me about Doug. The very first time she ever met him, she told me he was the biggest mistake I would ever make in my entire life...she knew men like him....and men like him were no good. In my heart I knew she was right. I knew Doug’s reputation for women and booze even before our first date. Women were always showing up at the hospital asking for “Dr. Ross”. On any given night, I might take no less than five messages for him at the front desk phone. I knew from the minute I laid eyes on him at the desk the first day he came he was trouble, and it didn’t take long after his arrival for me to know I was right.  Yet, when he asked me out, I never even hesitated to say yes...

* * * * * * * * * * F L A S H B A C K * * * * * * * * * *

I spent an hour getting ready for our date. In my opinion, I was nothing like the raving beauties I saw going out of the ER on Doug’s arm and I wanted to look really special for him. I didn’t want our first date to be our only date.  When the doorbell rang and I opened the door, I felt like it was prom night or something.  There he stood in front of me, holding a fresh bought bouquet of flowers, in a gray suit, with pleated pants no less, yellow button down collar shirt, and a red print tie. He smiled when I opened the door...told me I looked ‘great’. I asked him to come in while I got my jacket. He waited in the kitchen while I went into the bedroom closet. I came back with my jacket. He started to help me into it, but instead, he wrapped one arm around my waist, pressing himself against my back and my butt, and pulled my hair off my neck with the other hand. Then, he rubbed his cheek against my neck and kissed the nape of my neck ever so softly. The scent of his cologne was driving me wild enough, much less the touch of his skin against my neck. But when his lips made contact, it took every ounce of control I had to keep from jumping his bones right then and there. But, I didn’t want his lips on my neck...I wanted them on my lips. I turned around to face him, looking up into those piercing brown eyes of his, that little crooked grin that just ever so slightly turned up at one corner of his mouth, and that incredible twinkle...more like a satisfied and knowing look...so cocky it would have been easy to slap him if I didn’t want him so desperately. I threw my arms around his neck and he leaned in close to kiss me a kiss that set me on fire and made my knees weak. I never wanted to stop kissing him. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me close to him by pressing his hand into the small of my back. I could feel his excitement rising against my thigh. I took hold of his tie and started pulling him with me, down to the floor. He came with me readily and willingly. The first thing to come off was his suit jacket. The next thing he took off was his tie. I took hold of his shirt and pulled on it and every button from his neck to his belt buckle popped open quickly. He took my hand and put it inside his shirt for me to feel his chest. I could feel his heart pounding against my palm...

* * * * * * * * * * F L A S H B A C K T O P R E S E N T * * * * * ** * * *

“Carol? Hello??”

I had been so deep in my thoughts about my first date with Doug that I didn’t realize Susan Lewis was standing in front of me trying to get my attention!

“Susan!” I looked at her suddenly, feeling my face burn with embarrassment that I’d not been paying attention to her. “I’m sorry! Did you need something?”
“I asked you if you wanted to go to lunch with me later?”
“Oh, I’d really like to, but, I can’t. I promised Doug I’d run an errand for him when they take him up to surgery in a few minutes”
“OK, then, we could get some lunch after?”
“I really have to give you a rain check today, Susan, I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you”
“OK, that’s fine” she smiled. “Can I bring you something back, then?”
“That’d be super!” I nodded. “Thanks”

Susan turned and went on down the hallway. Once she was gone, Mark moved over a little closer at the desk to where I was working.

“Do you think this is wise of you, Carol?”
“Is what wise?”
“Catering to Doug? I mean, after everything that happened between you two, I’m surprised you would be so quick to jump to his aide now”
“First of all, Doug doesn’t know anything about anything that ever happened between us because he’s lost the last five years of his life...and our relationship was within that five years time...”
“Maybe he doesn’t remember it, but you do!”
“Above everything else, Doug has always been my friend. Whenever I needed help with anything, whether it was a hospital problem or a person problem or even a boyfriend problem, he’s always been right there for me. Now, he needs me to be there for him and I’m not going to let him down”
“Suit yourself!” Mark raised an eyebrow. “I just hope you know what you’re doing”
“I know what I’m doing” I assured him.

Shortly after that, they came down from surgery to take Doug up for his retina reattachment. I went in to help him from the bed to the gurney, and then I walked along with him to the elevator.

“I’ll be up to get the prescription for your glasses” I promised him. “And I’ll see you later, OK?”
“OK” he nodded, his voice hoarse and weak with the fear and uncertainty I knew he was feeling.
“Everything will be OK, Doug” I smiled as they wheeled him into the elevator. “Don’t worry”

He kept his eyes fixed on me and never looked away as the elevator doors closed us off from each other. A little while later, I slipped upstairs to the surgery desk. Dr. Winter had left the glasses prescription for me and I took it to the lab there in the hospital.   The doctor there told me to just pick out a set of frames and he would have them ready in less than an hour. I went through the racks of choices and picked out a really nice, lightweight, pair of thin gold rims that looked remarkably like the glasses my favorite teacher used to wear when I was in school, not that Doug looked anything like my teacher! I just really liked the style and I thought they would look nice on him. I told the doctor just to call me in the ER when they were ready and I’d come back and pick them up. By the time I got back upstairs, Doug was out of surgery, out of recovery, and resting in his room. There was a sign on his door to keep the lights low and the venetian blind had been pulled across this door to keep the hallway lights out of the room as well. I slipped into the room to check on him before I went back to work.

Doug was sleeping when I went so I made sure I was very quiet so as not to disturb him. I stood quietly beside the bed and just looked at him.  The bandage that had been around his head was gone now, replaced with a small white patch over the stitches.   He had a white gauze patch over his eye now, securely covering it and taped to his cheek. I gently pulled the cover up around him and absent-mindedly tucked it under his shoulders. I somehow resisted the urge to brush his bangs away from his face. I wanted desperately to put a kiss on my fingertips and put it to his cheek but I resisted that too. Instead, I simply patted his hand and left him there alone to rest.

Doug:

When I woke up, I had a splitting headache. The room was dark, but I expected that. I reached my hand up to finger the cloth patch carefully. I was pulling myself up into a sitting position when the door opened and in came Mark Greene.

“Hey!” he smiled to see me awake. “How are you feeling?”
“Better, I think”
“I brought you a present!” he held up a black eye patch. “It’ll protect you eye from the lights”
“Won’t I look like a pirate?” I groaned at him.
“I don’t know....put it on and let’s see...take the gauze patch off first...”
I carefully removed the gauze patch and then slipped the headband around my head to position the patch carefully over my left eye. Mark grinned. “Yeah, a little bit” he nodded with a laugh. “You do!”
“Great!” I frowned sarcastically. “All I need is a peg leg and a parrot on my shoulder”
“Yeah, pretty much!” he laughed again. “There are a few things we need to talk about...one is that you have a blood clot I’m minorly concerned about...”
“Blood clot?”
“Yeah, and it’s pretty deep. I want us to run some more concrete tests and determine just where in the brain it is and then we can decide what we should do about it”
“What we should do about it?” I repeated after him slowly.
“Yeah, maybe nothing at all. It may desolve itself. I just want you to be aware of it and I want us to further examine it”
“OK”
“And you have a hairline fracture of your skull. I’m not overly concerned about it, but, don’t let anybody else hit you on the head right about here...” He touched the area where the patch on my head was. “You’ve got about seven stitches under there”
“Wear a football helmet, huh?” I laughed.
“If someone plans to hit you in the head, yeah!” he laughed. “Now. I have some news that might cheer you up, if you’re interested?”
“This whole thing is a nightmare and I’m about to wake up?” I gave him an enthusiastic look.
“Well, maybe not quite that good!” he ticked his head. “But, you can go home. I’m releasing you”
“I thought you said I couldn’t go home until I knew where home was?”
“Yeah, well, I thought better of that and I’m releasing you tonight. Besides, you won’t be alone at your apartment, anyway. You have a temporary roommate”
“You?”
“Lucky guess!”
“Why are you my temporary roommate?”
“It’s a long story, but, I’ve been staying with you for a while...since my wife and I split up”
“You’re married?” he nodded. “I’m not married, am I?”
“Oh, no!” he laughed. “Not even close!”
“So, how soon can we be there?” I was already pitching the covers back off me and climbing out of bed.
“Oh, I’d say we can be there within the hour...” Mark grinned. “If we start right now”
“Give me five minutes to get dressed!”

Mark was waiting at the front desk in his jacket when I came out of my room, fully dressed, and ready to go.

“We’ll go over your discharge orders on the way” he grinned at me.   “You ready to go?”
“Absolutely!” I told him, happily.
“Carol, I’m off for the evening. If you need me, page me. Doug is still off duty until further notice”
“I got it, Mark. Thanks!”
“Good night, Carol” I smiled at her. “Thanks for all your help”
“OH! Wait!” she reached into a drawer quickly. “I almost forgot!” she handed me a glasses case. “Your glasses!”
“Oh!” I laughed. “I almost forgot about them myself!” I put the case in my pocket. “Thanks!”
“I hope the frames I picked out are OK with you”
“If you picked them out, I’m sure they’re just fine” I smiled at her.
“Good night, you guys!” she laughed nervously.

I went along beside Mark. He kept a hand on my arm to kind of guide me along with him. It was dark outside, and I wasn’t completely adjusted to only seeing things out of one eye so I let him guide me. But even as we headed across the ambulance bay, my mind was back at the front desk....on Carol...


Carol:

I had always thought Doug Ross was about the best looking man I’d ever laid eyes on, but to see him in that eye patch...I had to turn away and bite my fist, I wanted him so badly. Only Susan saw me turn away, as she was standing in the doorway of the lounge when I turned away from Mark and Doug as they started through the hallway.

“What are you doing?” she asked me quietly and with a coy tone as she moved closer to me once they were gone.
“What do you mean what am I doing? I’m working!” I laughed. “What does it look like I’m doing?”
“I mean with Doug”
“With Doug?” I laughed again, nervously this time. “What are you talking about? I’m not doing anything with Doug?”
“Can we take a break?” he urged me. “Into the lounge for a minute?”
“Sure” I nodded. And I followed her into the lounge where she closed the door and turned quickly to me.
“You aren’t thinking of getting back together with Doug Ross, are you?” Susan asked me quickly.
“No!” I reacted quickly at first, “Of course not” She gave me one of those knowing looks of hers and I retracted my answer. “I don’t think so”   Susan raised an eyebrow at me. “Well, so what if I am?” I quickly defended myself.
“Carol, after everything you went through? And after what he did to you? Why would you open yourself back up to that kind of pain again after everything you went through to get over it?”
“It wasn’t all his fault” I shook my head. “I was as much to blame as he was...”
“For him cheating on you? How could you be the blame for that?”
“I demanded too much out of him, maybe...”
“Don’t make excuses for him! He treated you like every other woman he’s ever slept with! You didn’t mean any more to him than some bimbo he picked up in a bar...”
“Don’t you say that!” I was angry now. “You don’t know anything about my relationship with Doug so, you have no right to judge him for it!”
“What is wrong with you? You tried to kill yourself over that break-up!”
“My suicide attempt had nothing to do with Doug...” I shook my head.
“You’ll forgive me if I find that just a little difficult to believe, won’t you?”
“You can believe whatever you want, but, I’m telling you the truth.  Doug had nothing to do with it...”
“Well, if it wasn’t over Doug, then what was it all about?”
“I really don’t want to talk about it right now, Susan” I shook my head.
“OK” she nodded. “I guess I was out of line anyway. I just care about you, Carol...and I worry. I know how you felt about Doug...and I know what happened between you guys. I mean, my God, Carol! You thought he was going to ask you to marry him and that was the furthest thing from his mind! That had to be a devastating blow”
“Whatever did....or didn’t....happen between Doug and me....he doesn’t know anything about it now! That relationship is in the period of his life that he’s lost right now. He doesn’t remember any of it...”
“But you do! And yet, here you go, running back like nothing happened...”
“I love him, Susan!” I admitted finally. “I have never stopped loving him! I tried to make myself hate him but I couldn’t do it! I have never been able to get over him and even still now every time I see him with another woman I want to claw her eyes out!”  She just listened as I rambled on. “I’ve never found another man yet that makes me feel like he does when I’m with him. And if he doesn’t remember our relationship, then maybe we have a chance for another one....a BETTER one. He’s not the same man he was before this happened...”
“No, not right now, but he will be again...he’s going to remember the past he’s lost...surely you know that...”
“He might not. The book says a lot of amnesia patients never remember painful memories...”
“Is that what you want? A man with a blank spot in his mind where your relationship is concerned?”
“If it puts him back in my life, I don’t care” I shrugged.
“I hope you know what you’re doing, Carol” she shook her head.   “Don’t come crying to me if this whole thing blows up in your face”
“I won’t” I assured her.
“Well” she sighed. “If this is what you want, good luck”
“I don’t know that this is what I want” I told her truthfully. “I just know that right now he is lost, and confused, and he needs a friend...I can be that for him. I want to help him through this. He’s be there for me....I know he would....YOU know he would”
“Yeah” she nodded slowly. “He would. Just be careful, OK?”
“I will” I promised her.

She left the lounge and I went back to my desk to work. I appreciated her concern, but, nobody knew what Doug Ross did to me inside...nobody knew the feelings I’d kept under wraps or for how long I’d controlled them. He was dangerously exciting to me...and someone that once he was gone, my life became very routine and predictable. I wanted the excitement he had always brought to me again but I was always too scared to take a chance with him. Now, he didn’t know anything about us or our relationship...there were no ‘chances’ to take...except for the one slight one that he might someday remember...

Doug:

We walked through a small lot to Mark’s car and I got in on the passenger’s side. At his insistence, I buckled the seat belt and we started away. Nothing looked familiar to me as we whizzed along the Chicago city streets in route to, I supposed, my apartment....someplace else that wasn’t going to be familiar.

“You wanna turn on the radio?” Mark asked me quietly.
“No, it’s OK” I told him. “Thanks, anyway”
“OK” he nodded. “I’m gonna give you the name of a couple of really good psychologists in the hospital and I’d like you to start seeing one as soon as you can”
“Psychologists?” I grunted. “You’re gonna refer me to a shrink?”
“All amnesia patients are referred to psyche...you should know that”
“I don’t need to see a shrink. I can work all this out on my own”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea and if you don’t see a psychologist, I won’t release you to go back to work”
“Are you always this hard to deal with?” I looked over at him.
“Only when I’m dealing with you” he laughed. Then he handed me a sheet of paper with several names on it. “The three at the top are my best recommendations. But you can make your own choice”
“I don’t know any of them anyway” I sighed. “So, I guess I’ll go with your referral”
“It won’t be so bad. All he’s gonna do is try and help you fill in the gaps a little bit”
“Yeah, OK. I’ll give it a shot” I glanced out the window, then turned back to him. “When do you think I can go back to work, anyway?”
“Well, first we have to determine how much you know about your job. I’ll need you to cooperate with me for a few days so I can test your knowledge, and then after that we’ll see, OK?”
“You’re going to treat me like a med student, in other words?”
“Just until I’m sure you’re OK on your own”
“Yeah, OK” I frowned. “I guess I should have expected something like that”

He stopped the car in front of a large apartment building and I just sat there, looking at it, wishing something would ring a bell with me, but nothing did.

“Come on” he smiled. “This is the home stop!”
“Yeah” I nodded, and opened the door slowly. “OK”

I stepped out onto the sidewalk, unable to take my eyes off the building in front of me and wondering what it was going to be like to walk into someplace I had no recollection of that was supposed to be my home. 

We went to the door and Mark told me I had the automated door card in my wallet. I reached in, took it out, slid it through the slot and the buzzer sounded to unlock the door. We went in and walked up three flights of stairs and then down a hallway to a door with the number 317 on the door. With a feeling of ‘here goes nothing’, I took my keys out of my jacket pocket and opened the door...and walked into a world of the unknown.

Nothing in my apartment looked familiar to me. I pitched my keys on a counter at the kitchen and realized I didn’t even know which door in the place was the bathroom or my bedroom.

“Your bedroom’s on the left” Mark told me as he went through. “You have a nice stack of bills here” he handed me the mail. “Are you OK?” he asked me, realizing I was pretty much frozen in my position looking around the room.
“Yeah, I’m fine”
“Don’t worry” he touched my shoulder lightly. “It’ll all come back to you”
“What if it doesn’t?” I mumbled. “What if I never remember? What if it’s lost forever”
“That’s why I want you to see a psychologist” he smiled. “They can help you with questions like that and give you the answers”
“Yeah” I nodded. “OK”
“You OK?”
“Yeah” I nodded. “Or at least I will be. I think I’ll just take a hot bath and go to bed, OK?”
“Sure, but, the Bulls are playing on TV tonight...thought you might want to watch the game with me”
“Yeah, OK, maybe. Let me take a bath and see how I feel after”
“Sure thing, Bud...but you don’t care if I watch the game anyway, do you?”
“No, it’s OK. Knock yourself out”

I opened doors until I found the bedroom, gathered up the things I’d need for my shower and went back out to open doors again until I found the bathroom. I went in and started drawing water in the tub. And while the tub was filling, I stood and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like a mess, with a patch on my head and a pirate eyepatch on my face. I peeled off the patch over my eye and looked at the red, bloodshot eyeball looking back at me. I was glad to put the white gauze patch back on it and not have to see it anymore. I peeled off my clothes, and slipped into the warm water, letting it slide all the way up to my neck and just blocked out all the bad things running through my mind.

“Feel better?” Mark asked me as I came through the apartment after my bath to raid the fridge.
“Yeah, I do” I admitted, grabbing a can of soda and joining him in front of the TV. “Can we talk a little bit?”
“Sure! What’s on your mind?”
“What do you know about that nurse, Carol Hathaway?”
“I know she’s a good person” he told me. “I know she’s very devoted to her job...”
“Do you know if she has a boyfriend?”
“No” he shook his head.
“No? No, you don’t know or no she’s doesn’t have one?”
“No, she’s currently not dating anyone”
“Do you think she’d go out with me if I asked her?”
“I don’t know...you’d have to ask her”
“This is so weird” I shook my head and stared at my feet. “This not knowing things...that I’ve lost five years someplace...”
“I’m sure it is. But, I think with time, and therapy, you’ll get it all back”
“Tell me more about Carol Hathaway”
“You really like her, huh?”
“She’s really something. And, I don’t know why, but I just feel drawn to her.  Almost like I know her...” I gave him a curious look. “Do I?”
“I can’t answer questions like that for you, Doug. Those kind of things, you’ll have to figure out yourself” He shifted nervously. “Why don’t we just watch the ball game, OK? And not worry about things like that right now?”
“Yeah, OK” I agreed.

We watched the ballgame and Mark made his bed on the couch. I went into my own room and laid down on my bed. Yeah...this was my bed, all right. I slipped right into my “groove” spot and snuggled down. But I couldn’t sleep. My mind was a rush of thoughts about Carol Hathaway. No woman I’d ever met in my life had ever had this kind of an effect on me. I found myself wondering what it would be like to lay down beside her....to hold her in my arms....to kiss her....to touch her hair....I closed my eyes and I could still smell the sweet scent of her perfume floating around me.  But, not being able to sleep, I got up and started going through drawers, hoping to find anything that might trigger my memory and jog me past those five years I was missing but there was nothing around that even struck a chord with me. I was just about to close the dresser drawer when something caught my eye on the bottom of the drawer. I reached in to pull it out and found a photo...and I couldn’t take my eyes off it. It was a picture of me and I was sitting on a wall with a lake behind me and a sailboat off to one side. I had my arms around a woman, who was standing against the wall and leaning back against me.   She had one arm up over her head, touching my cheek. I had both arms around her shoulders, resting my head on her hair. We looked incredibly happy, both smiling...actually laughing. The woman in the photo with me was Carol Hathaway. I DID know her before. I sat on the bed, holding this photo, just staring at it...wondering to myself just where this woman fit into my life...and how I would find out since I couldn’t remember....

End of Part Three.

To Be Continued.


December 31, 1998