ER

"Can’t Fool The Heart"

Carol:
People filing into the ER shaking their coats and hats told me it was snowing outside. I was glad to be going home early. I went into the lounge, got my coat, hat, and scarf and bundled myself up good to start out into the cold, night air.

"Good night!" I called cheerfully to the gang at the front desk as I started away.

"Good night, Carol" Mark Greene smiled at me. I turned to wave to him and saw him erasing Doug Ross’ name from the work board for the evening. Since I knew I Doug was due in any minute, this puzzled me.

"Mark, what are you doing?"

"I’m taking Doug’s name off the board for tonight"

"How come?"

"He called in sick" Mark mumbled sarcastically. "And he better BE sick, too, because I’m the one that has to fill in for him"

"Doug wouldn’t do that to you, Mark" I shook my head. "You know that"

"Yeah" Mark nodded with a low voice. "I do.

"Did he say what was wrong?"

"I didn’t talk to him...Lydia took the call" Mark scribbled his name onto the board. "He’s gonna owe me for this one!"

"You know he’s good for it" I waved to him. "See ya!" and I started on down the hall.

"Carol!" I heard a familiar voice call out my name and I stopped. "Hey!" John Taglieri, my current boyfriend, came running down the hall to catch up with me. "Better bundle up" he pulled my scarf around me affectionately. "It’s pretty cold out there"

"I’m fine" I smiled sheepishly at him.

"I get off in a couple of hours...I’ll give you a call, OK? Maybe come over for a while?"

"Yeah, that should be OK!"

"I really wish you’d consider my offer...." he smiled at me.

"I’m thinking about it, John...don’t push me, OK?"

"Sorry!" he put his hands up in a ‘back off’ motion. "I wasn’t trying to"

"I know you weren’t" I smiled at him. Then I got up on my tip toes to kiss his lips lightly. "Call me"

"You bet I will!"

He walked me to the door and stood watching me head for the El platform. Just as I got to the steps, I turned to wave to him and he waved back at me with a weak smile.

I stood waiting for the train, looking down the tracks, and thinking. Tag was a great guy. He was kind and caring....he was always giving me gifts and coming around to see me....he was everything I wanted in a man so I didn’t understand what my problem was about stepping up our relationship. There were things he didn’t have, too. He didn’t have the ability to make me laugh no matter how down I was feeling. He didn’t have a puppy dog look from his eyes that made me want to smother him with attention and affection. And he didn’t have that spark that set me on fire. There was only one man in my life that had ever had those things. And I was trying my best to put him out of my mind. But standing there waiting for the train, he was the only thing on my mind. I could close my eyes and feel his arms around me, shielding me from the cold. I could taste his kisses on my lips...warm and sweet. And I could see his eyes ripping into my soul with a smile so innocent there was no way I could resist him. But I had made the decision to put him out of my life...so I would just have to move on past these things and get on with my life with Tag. I knew that I loved John Taglieri. I loved everything he stood for...security...future...stability...but I wasn’t ‘in love’ with him. And I knew that. And I also knew that I probably would never be ‘in love’ with him. The man that carried that title was the only thing on my mind as I stood waiting in the cold. But the train coming in took my thoughts away from him and I climbed in quickly to a warm car and sat down. The train started away and I sat gazing out the window at the Chicago sight zipping by. We passed the building his apartment was in and I looked to see if I could see a light on anyplace. I caught a faint, dim glimpse just as the train passed by. For one brief instant I started to get off when it stopped at the next platform, but, I stayed where I was and rode on through the night to my own stop. I hurried down the steps to the street, the snow blowing around me with a whipping wind. I was glad to get into my apartment where it was warm. The first thing I did was turn up the heat. I had a fireplace, and I figured I could start a fire later. First, I’d fix myself a can of soup and get warmed up.

I stood by the stove, stirring my soup, and gazing blankly out the window. I could see a reflection of someone coming up behind me...wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me back against him so he could nuzzle my neck. I was laughing hysterically at this and pretending to try and pull away from him. He spun me around and pulled me up against him, kissing me so sweetly I could feel myself melt against him. I shook my head to get this thought out of my mind...telling myself that was a long time ago...and that it was over....and to get over it and move on. But try as I might, I couldn’t let it go. I carried my soup in a cup to the living room and curled my feet up on the sofa, and pulled a nearby afghan over my feet...lost in thought. My mind just could not get away from Doug Ross.

He had called in sick. That was something Doug almost never did. So I knew he had to be feeling pretty bad to make a move like that. I thought about him over in his apartment. It was always cold over there. I could remember winter nights we spent the evening there watching TV because we would have to cuddle up under a blanket together to stay warm. It was cozy...and romantic. He would slip his arm around me and pull me next to him. I would lay my head on his shoulder and wrap my arms around him. We would eat popcorn and watch some corny love movie until he would take my face in his hands and kiss me a kiss that shot electric sparks all the way to my toes. And I would be on top of him like a fly on meat, kissing him out of control and wanting him badly. Now, sitting with my warm soup, thinking of him alone in that cold apartment was almost more than I could bear. I picked up the phone and quickly dialed his number. He answered after about four rings in a voice I hardly recognized.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Doug! It’s Carol! How are you feeling?"

"Lousy" he coughed away from the receiver. Then he chuckled just a bit, like his answer was a joke. That chuckle was a sound that always made me smile...and one that I missed terribly.

"Mark said you called in sick...that’s really not like you...are you sure you’re OK?"

"I’m fine" I could see him nodding his head in my mind, the way he always did when he was trying to reassure someone of something.

"Are you taking anything?"

"Some stuff I had in the medicine chest"

"What? That’s got expired dates on it? I know about how you operate..."

"I gotta get back to bed, Carol, OK?" his voice was hoarse and raspy.

"Yeah, OK" I nodded. "Keep warm, OK?"

"Yeah...OK"

And he hung up the phone. I hung up on my end and sipped some more of my soup...lost in thought. Doug stayed pretty healthy and he didn’t get sick much, but when he did, it usually made up for all the times illness missed him. And I knew from the past that he didn’t take very good care of himself. The medicine he was taking probably was something over the counter and the expiration dates had long since passed. He was a doctor and he took excellent care of everybody....except himself. His apartment was always cold...if he was sick he had no business in a cold, drafty place. And he didn’t need to be alone...he needed to have someone taking care of him. But he would never hear of anything like that...he would have to be manhandled. With Mark working his shift at the hospital, that only left one person who could do anything with him. Me.

I didn’t even think twice about it. I just put my soup bowl down and got my coat, bundled myself back up and headed for the El. I stood on the platform and waited for the train, asking myself a dozen times WHY I was doing this. Without an answer, I got on the train and rode silently to his stop, gazing out the window and watching the snow blow all over the city. I ran down the platform steps and raced the block and a half to his building, climbing the steps and going breathlessly into the entrance way. I took the stairs to the third floor and went to the end of the hall to his door, knocking loudly.

"Doug?" I called out through the door. "It’s me! Carol! Open the door, OK?"

"I’m coming" I could hear him stirring around inside so I waited patiently until he finally opened the door. He was wearing sweat pants and a sweat shirt, thick socks, and had a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. If he felt as miserable as he looked, he was way sicker than I thought he was.

"You look terrible!" I told him as I pushed my way inside.

"Nice to see you, too" he nodded with a sarcastic tone.

"Doug, it’s freezing in here! Why don’t you turn up the heat!" I rubbed my arms against the cold draft of his apartment.

"It IS up" He informed me with a sniffle. I immediately reached to feel his forehead.

"My God! You’re burning up! What are you taking?"

"I don’t know...some stuff I had in the medicine chest..."

"Where is it?" I started through the apartment to his bedroom, where I knew the meds would be on the night table.

"Carol, I’m FINE, OK?" he followed along behind me, whining.

"Doug, you are NOT fine...you are SICK...and you need some decent meds!" I picked up the boxes by his bed and held them up to him, shaking my head. "None of this stuff is doing you any good....you need a decongestant...and probably some cough syrup..."

"Carol, I’m a doctor, don’t you think I know how to treat a cold?"

"What I know is that you can take care of everybody in the city of Chicago except Doug Ross....why is that?" he shrugged at me. "OK...well....I know how to take care of this...." I reached down and grabbed a pair of his shoes and motioned him to the bed. "Come on....put these on!"

"Why? Where am I going?"

"You’re going to my place...where’s your coat?"

"I’m not going anywhere..." he sat on the bed and started tugging into his shoes. "It’s in the closet"

"Yes, you are. You’re coming with me so somebody can take care of you" I brought his coat to him and he stood up while I tugged his arms into it. "It’s warm at my place" I put his scarf around his neck and tucked it into his coat. "I can start a fire and make you a bed on the couch in front of it" I took his cap out of his pocket and pulled it firmly onto his head. "I’ll fix you some soup and get you some decent meds. You’ll feel better in no time"

I took him by the hand to lead him away and I was sure I heard him mumble something about ‘feeling better already’ as we started out into the cold to wait for the El. Once on the train, I sat close beside him, helping him sit up as he was weak from the fever and lack of rest. He kept staring out the window, just as I had done earlier. I leaned close to him and whispered in his ear...

"What do you see out there?"

"All the things in my life that I let get away from me" he told me in a quiet voice.

"You see all that out there?" I smiled at him. "Must be some picture"

"Yeah" he nodded, then shifted his eyes to stare at his hands. "It is"

I sat and looked at him...maybe for the first time in a long time...and noticed the dark circles under is eyes. His hair wasn’t combed and just sort of flopped about his head to dangle his bangs shortly across his forehead just peeking out from under his cap. He was a man, but somehow he looked like a little boy who had just been scolded. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and rock him in a comforting way...chase all his troubles away. But I knew I couldn’t do that. So, I just reached over and took his hand in mine, squeezing it gently, and giving him a soft, weak smile when he looked over at me. We got to my stop and I kept my arm around his waist as I helped him off the train and down the platform steps. By the time we got to the steps of my building, he was getting tired and was having trouble staying on his feet. He leaned heavily against me, wrapping his arm around me for support, and holding his coat closed against his chest. We got inside and he leaned against the wall to catch his breath.

"Do you have any idea how sick you are?" I asked him, feeling his fever again.

"I’m starting to think so" he grinned at me...that half-smile-crooked-one-corner-of-his-mouth grin while he leaned his head back against the wall.

"Come on" I pulled him with me. "Let’s get you to bed"

I helped him on down the hall and opened the door with my key. Where I had turned the heat up, warmth flooded my apartment and I got his coat off him quickly so he wouldn’t start to sweat too soon. I sat him on the couch and he leaned back slowly, resting his head on a pillow.

"I’ll get some things to make your bed" I told him. "And get you settled. Then I’ll start a fire and fix you some soup"

"I don’t want to be any trouble..." he protested lightly.

"Doug, you were BORN trouble!" I chuckled at him. "It’s OK. Don’t worry about it" I was quickly gathering up a sheet to cover the sofa, a pillow for his head, and a couple of blankets to put over him. "Come on" I patted his knees lightly to make him lay down. "Lay down and let me get you covered up" He obeyed me without a fuss and I put the pillow behind his head and he let his head sink into quickly. I spread the covers over him and tucked them around him to keep him warm. "How’s that?"

"That’s great" he nodded at me and smiled.

"OK, now" I leaned face to face with him while I tucked the cover one last tuck. "I’m going to fix you something to eat, OK? Nothing heavy...just some soup...OK?"

"OK" he nodded again and pulled the cover up over his chest clear up to his neck, snuggling under them as he did.

"Are you warm?"

"I’m fine"

"OK" I patted his side gently. "I’ll just be in the kitchen"

He never took his eyes off me as I left the room. From where I was working, I could look in on him and see that he was absorbing the warmth. As soon as I fed him, I would get a fire going. First things first. While the soup was heating, I checked my cabinets for whatever meds I had on hand. I had enough to at least get him started on something that would help knock it out of him until I get out to the Pharmacy and get something better or call Mark to come and take a good look at him. I had things for fever, congestion, and cough....all of which he had.

"Here you go" I brought the soup to him. "Be careful cause it’s really hot" he leaned forward and breathed in the steam rising from the bowl with a contented look on his face.

"Smells great" he told me quietly, then he lifted up a spoonful.

"Better blow on that" I warned him. "It’s hot" he puckered his mouth and blew on it gently to cool it down before slipping the spoon into his mouth. "How is it? Is it OK?"

"It’s fine" he nodded.

"OK, you eat your soup...I’m gonna start a fire, OK?"

"You know how to start a fire?" he snickered just slightly.

"Yes, I DO" I gave him a scolding look as I pulled myself off the sofa and headed for the fireplace.

"I didn’t know you were such an Eagle Scout" he snickered again.

"Any idiot can start a fire" I shot him a sarcastic look. "Except for maybe one"

"Ooo" he winced. "Low blow"

"You remember that time you tried to start a fire in here?" I laughed as I gathered the things I needed for the job.

"Sure do" he nodded. "I forgot the open the flue and we had smoke all over the place..."

"Set off the smoke detectors and somebody in the building called the fire department...."

"I remember you were pretty mad at me for a while" his eyes twinkled just a bit, "but you made up with me later" then his voice got quiet, "you always used to make up with me, Carol"

"Yeah" I nodded. "Because I always hated fighting with you....I never could stay mad at you"

"Doing a good job of it now" he sipped more soup from the spoon.

"I’m not mad at you" I assured him.

I put the logs in the well, struck a match, and within minutes, had a roaring fire blazing. I turned to Doug with a proud look. He gave me a thumbs up and a nod, still working on cooling and sipping his soup. Before he could say anything sarcastic, the phone rang.

"Hello" I answered it in a happy voice.

"Hi, Carol" John Taglieri’s voice came on the line. "It’s me. I’m leaving here in about fifteen minutes...I thought I’d come over and we could watch TV for a while..."

"Oh, gee" I looked over my shoulder at Doug and kept my voice low and quiet. "I don’t think that’s a good idea" I turned my back to Doug and cupped my hand over the mouthpiece to quiet the conversation.

"Well, why not?"

"Well, I just really don’t think tonight is a good night"

"Carol, you’re not making any sense"

"Well, I’m taking care of a sick friend"

"That’s OK. I’m a doctor. Maybe I can help you take care of your sick friend"

"It’s Doug Ross, Tag" I told him bluntly. "You still want to come?"

"Sure" his voice said ‘sure’ but it sure sounded like something else was behind it.

"I don’t think so, Tag...it’ll make Doug uncomfortable and that’s not what he needs right now"

"Well, you be sure you give him what he needs, Carol" came the sarcastic reply.

"What’s that supposed to mean?" I demanded, getting a little bit angry now.

"Nothing" came the short reply. "Nothing" and the line promptly went dead.

"Who was on the phone?" Doug wanted to know as I started back across the room.

"Nobody important" I told him lowly as I picked up the poke to stir the fire.

"You OK?" he gave me that look from his eyes as he ticked his head to one side...that look that always made me smile.

"Yeah" I nodded to him. "I’m sure"

"Am I cramping your lovelife?" he gave me a coy grin.

"It wouldn’t matter if you were...you’re sick...and you need someone to take care of you..."

"I can take care of myself, Carol..."

"Can you really? You’ve done a real bang up job of it so far, haven’t you?" I gave him a scolding tone.

"Well, what difference does it make?" He shot back at me quickly. "Nobody gives a damn anyway....at least..." his tone softened slightly, "Not anyone that matters" his eyes looked up at me with a pleading look that it took every ounce of strength in my soul to resist him. I went over to him and lifted his chin with my fingers so that we were eye to eye and he would carefully understand what I was saying to him.

"Trust me when I tell you that you would not be here now if I didn’t ‘give a damn’ what happens to you!"

"You just don’t want my dead carcass on your conscience" he grinned at me.

"Yep!" I smiled at him and nodded. "That’s it exactly! With all the other problems I have in my, death by negligence would just put me over the edge" he chuckled and went back to his soup.

"So, is Tag pretty mad?"

"He’ll get over it"

"Is he the jealous kind?"

"Not really" I shook my head. "And I really don’t want to talk about it right now anyway, OK?"

"Sure" he nodded. "Would you rather talk about us?"

"Us?" I laughed out loud. "There is no ‘us’ anymore, Doug. We are long since over with"

"Really?" He gave me a coy look. "I notice you didn’t hesitate to come to me when I got sick"

"Well, that’s because I know how you are...and I just didn’t want you to be alone when you felt so bad. I don’t like to be alone when I feel bad. No one should have to go through an illness alone"

"You love me don’t you?" He chuckled, giving me his best ‘Steve Urkel’ impersonation.

"Yes, I do" I nodded. "But as my friend...and nothing more"

I was never so glad to hear the phone ring in my life as I was that minute. And I raced to answer it quickly.

"Hello?"

"Carol? It’s Mark....I’m gonna kill him..."

"Kill who?" I had to laugh. Mark sounded so serious.

"Doug!"

"Why?"

"Well, I was worried about him being so sick and all so I went over to his apartment on my break to check up on him and he wasn’t even home..."

"That’s because he’s over here"

"What’s he doing there?"

"Well, Mark, you know how cold and drafty that apartment of his is...I didn’t think it was a very good environment for him to be in as sick as he sounded on the phone when I called him. So, I went and got him and brought him over here where it’s warmer and where I can take care of him. He’s really pretty sick"

"He’s at your place? That’s close to the hospital...tell you what...I’ll be taking another break in a bit...I’ll slip over and take a look at him. Is he taking anything?"

"Nothing good...just over the counter stuff"

"OK! I’ll come! And I’ll bring something to help him out a little. See you in little while, Carol"

"OK, Mark...thanks!" I hung up the phone and went back to the sofa.

"Who was that?"

"Mark"

"What did he want? Checking up on me? Making sure I’m really sick so he’s not working for me in vein?"

"Nothing of the sort...he’s coming over later to take a look at you"

"Well, I look just like I always do"

"You KNOW what I mean!" I laughed at him and he smiled.

"Yeah...I know"

"Well, I’ve got some things to do in the kitchen, OK? You just lay there and rest and let me know if you need anything"

"OK" he nodded.

I took his soup bowl away, as he was finished with it, and went into the kitchen to get things cleaned up in there. After a short while, I looked around the door facing at Doug lying on the couch. He was dozing now, his eyes closed and his head drooping. The only key I had that he wasn’t sleeping was the cough that kept nagging at him. Once I had the kitchen cleaned up, I went back in and sat in the floor beside the sofa, leaning back on it, and gazing at the fire.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked me quietly.

"Not really anything" I sighed.

"Do you ever think about me?"

"All the time" I gave him a light snicker.

"Carol?" he touched my hair lightly and I turned to look at him. "How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?"

"Only once, Doug" I smiled at him. "And you already have"

"But you don’t believe me"

"I believe you"

"But, you don’t forgive me, right?"

"There’s nothing to forgive, Doug. You were just being you. You didn’t do anything wrong by your standards"

"But, I hurt you. And I never wanted to do that. I love you, Carol"

"No, Doug" I laughed. "You just think you do"

"How are you so sure what I feel?"

"Because I know you" I smiled. "And I know that ‘love’ is not emotion you’re capable of. Because it requires a commitment...and a promise...things you avoid at all costs"

"Never knew it would cost me so much" he muttered.

Before I could get into a conversation with him about that remark, there was a knock at my door. I jumped up and headed quickly to answer it.

"That must be Mark" I told Doug as I reached the door. I ripped it open to find our Chief Resident of the ER standing on the other side and I smiled at him. "Come on in, Mark"

"Go on back, Mark" Doug chuckled from the couch, looking up over the back of it as Mark peeled his coat off and I tossed it over the back of a chair, just as Doug went into another series of coughing.

"Well, that doesn’t sound too good" Mark told him as he made his way over to the sofa. "Let’s have a look at you" he gave Doug his best professional attitude as he sat on the edge of the sofa with him. "Open up" he took out a tongue depressor and Doug opened his mouth wide, sticking out his tongue for Mark to get a good look. "Pretty red in there...is your throat sore?"

"A little"

"OK...we’ll just paint it a little bit and that should take care of that...let’s see how hot you are...." Mark took out a therm-o-scan.

"Too hot to handle!" Doug chuckled. He always tried to loosen a tense situation with joking.

"Ummm...I don’t think I’m qualified to judge that" Mark told him, sticking the therm-o-scan in Doug’s ear. "103!" He recorded after sufficient time. "Blood pressure..." Mark took out the cuff and placed it on Doug’s arm.

"Blood pressure? For a cold?" Doug gave him a curious look.

"Let’s just be sure" Mark pumped the cuff quickly to inflate it. "125/80...that’s pretty good. Well, I think what you have, Doctor, is a good, old fashioned cold virus! Good stiff shot of penicillin should knock it right out of you in a day or so....roll up your sleeve"

"Demanding son of a bitch, aren’t you?" Doug chuckled, pushing up the sleeve of his sweatshirt. "Don’t hurt me, OK?" he cautioned Mark as his arm was swabbed with an alcohol prep.

"I’ll do it, Mark" I told him, stepping forward and taking the syringe out of his hands. "Later...before he goes to sleep"

"OK" Mark nodded. "That works for me. Here’s some meds...." he reached into the bag and produced some samples from the pharmacy...get plenty of fluids and plenty of rest....I’d stay off work tomorrow and you should feel better the day after"

"Thanks, Mark...I really appreciate it"

"No problem, Buddy...glad to help" Mark smiled weakly at him.

"Did I leave you with a mess tonight?"

"I can handle it. You had no business around patients tonight. You did the right thing" Mark gathered up his tools and stood up. "Give him that shot tonight, Carol...I’ll leave you another one to give him tomorrow and that should kick it right out of him"

"Thanks for coming, Mark..." I walked him to the door.

"Am I guessing you won’t be in tomorrow?" Mark asked me as he reached the door.

"It’s my day off anyway" I smiled at him.

"How convenient" Mark nodded. "Are you sure you’re OK with this?"

"It’s fine" I nodded.

"It’s just that given you background and all...I could take him to the hospital...put him in a room....take care of him myself..."

"It’s OK, Mark" I smiled at him. "I can handle it"

"Well, OK. I just thought this might be uncomfortable for you"

"I’m fine’

"OK" Mark nodded. "If you need me..."

"I know the number" I leaned on the door. "Stay warm, Mark"

"Yeah" he nodded and turned his collar up to head out of the building and into the snow, waving back at me before the door closed us off.

"Let’s get this over with" I told Doug as I headed back to the sofa. I picked up the syringe Mark had left and pushed Doug’s sleeve up the rest of the way, reswabbing it with a fresh alcohol prep. His eyes never left me as I leaned forward with the needle ready to jab and just as I started he told me

"Be gentle"

"Always am" I assured him. I plunged the needle into his skin, he silently mouthed an ‘ouch’ reaction, and I rubbed another alcohol swab over the needle mark for a minute. "That wasn’t so bad, was it"

"Well, when my kids are good when they get a shot, I usually give them a reward" he smiled devilishly at me.

"And what kind of a reward do you think you deserve?" I smiled at him. "I’m all out of lollipops"

"I can think of something else sweet you could give me" he pulled me close to him by tugging on the front of my sweater. I leaned over to him and got very close to his lips, but pulled back.

"Come on, Doug...quit fooling around"

"I’m not fooling around, Carol" he didn’t let go of me, and held me at eye level with him. "I can’t get you out of my mind. No matter what I do my thoughts keep coming back to you. You’ve got some kind of crazy hold on me and I don’t want to get loose from it"

"Doug, we’ve been all through this before. We can never work. What we want in a relationship is too different for us to ever be compatible with each other"

"But, we WERE compatible, Carol! We had fun! We laughed! We did things! It was great..."

"But, it wasn’t anything lasting, Doug. I need more than a laugh and good time in bed. I need someone I can rely on...and depend on...someone who’s going to be there for me when I need them...not just someone who comes around when they want a good time" I gave him a sad smile. "You think you’ve changed, but, you really haven’t. You’re still the same old Doug. You still go out and get drunk when you can’t deal with a situation. You’re still cocky and arrogant when you don’t know what else to say. You still have all the things about you that I couldn’t live with before so I know better than to even try now"

"I guess Tag has all the qualities you’re looking for, huh?" he grunted.

"Tag is a great guy" I assured him. "And I love him a lot"

"But, you’re not ‘in love’ with him" Doug looked me in the eye. "I see it in your eyes when you look at him. You don’t look into his eyes. You just smile and look past him. And when you look past him, you’re looking at me"

"You’re imaging things" I laughed.

"No, I’m not. I see you looking at me when you think I don’t see. And I know that look in your eyes. Why do you keep fighting it, Carol? You know you love me"

"Because you represent a part of my life that I need to leave behind me, Doug. I need to move past what we were and what we had and find what I need"

"OK, Carol" He nodded with a soft half smile. "You keep telling yourself that. And you keep looking. But, sooner or later you’re going to realize that what we had can’t be duplicated no matter how hard you try. You can say what you want...and you can follow what you think you want, but, you can’t fool your heart...the heart is the only thing that truly knows who you love"

"Go to sleep, Doug" I laughed and kissed his forehead.

I went into my bedroom and started brushing my hair. I sat in front of the mirror and in my mind I could remember times Doug bent over me there, nibbling at my neck and playing with my hair in his hands. What I slowly began to realize was that every memory I had that made me smile....everything I thought about that held a place...was of Doug. It wasn’t Tag who invaded my thoughts. It was Doug. The hardest thing after our break up was working with...seeing him everyday and not being able to ‘be’ with him. And then I would see him with other women and that was the hardest of all. I pulled my clothes off and slipped into my warm, flannel nightgown before peeling back the covers and crawling into bed. I had left Doug with orange juice to drink and he had taken the meds Mark brought him. I had tucked him in and he was well set for the night. But, I sat in my bed thinking about him out there. I could hear him coughing, even though it was a lot less than it had been earlier. What was it about this man that I couldn’t resist? Or forget about? What was it about him that drove me to him no matter how hard I tried to fight it? I kept trying to keep our relationship professional while at the same time I was resisting urges to lure him into an empty exam room and jump his bones. Sometimes working close to him drove me wild with desire. Yet, I wouldn’t give in. I stayed strong. And distant. But, when I saw him like he was now....needing....and vulnerable...it made it harder to stand my ground. I sat in my bed and listened to him coughing and clearing his throat...knowing that he was very needing right now. I threw the covers off me and went out to the sofa, reaching down and taking him by the hand.

"Come on" I told him with a soft smile.

"Come on what?" he looked up at me, his eyes watery from cold in them, his nose red from all the times he had blown his nose and I just smiled at him.

"Get your pillow and your blanket and come to bed with me. You’ll be more comfortable there"

"No, I ‘m OK here" he assured me quickly.

"It’s OK, Doug" I smiled at him. "I can handle it"

"I’d rather stay out here...by the fire...I’ll be warmer here"

"Come on" I insisted again and this time he didn’t resist. He gathered up his pillow and his blankets and followed me slowly to the bedroom. I fixed his place on one side of the bed and eased him down into it. covering him up and tucking him in. "Just give me some time, Doug" I smiled at him as I bent down to kiss his forehead lightly. "Just give me some time"

"Got all the time in the world" he mumbled at me, pulling the covers up around his neck.

I got in bed beside him and turned out the light. In the dark, I just watched him as he dozed off to the sleep, finally quiet from the coughing and the trials of his cold. Absent minded, almost as if on instinct, I reached out and touched his hair and just toyed with a strand of it between my fingers. I was thinking of what used to be and what we once had together. And somehow, just before I drifted off to sleep myself, I started thinking about what might be in our future if I just convinced myself to try and let him back into my life...I guessed I’d have to weigh the pros and cons to that one.

September 16, 1998