"ER"
"Anxious Moments"

Mark:

Doug had taken another turn for the worse, but, I was preparing to leave for a weekend in Milwaukee. I knew as a caring doctor, I should stay and be there for my patient, but I could get someone else to look in on him with special instructions. The only person I trusted him to was the other attending in the ER...Kerry Weaver. Although Doug and Kerry had their personal differences with each other, Kerry was a good doctor and I knew she would give Doug her best attention as a doctor. She met with me in his room so I could go over everything with her. Carol was taking a much needed break. Doug’s fever had shot up and I now had ice bags under his arms, on his chest, and between his legs trying to keep him cool. I was injecting a heavy dose of antibiotics into his IV bag while Kerry shook her head at me.

"You’re giving him too much..."

"No, I’m not. He can handle it. Besides, I’d rather him die of too much antibiotic that die of this infection he’s fighting" I told her truthfully.

"He’s not doing too well, is he?" Kerry asked me quietly.

"No" I shook my head. "He’s not. I know I shouldn’t go off and leave him like this, but, I really need to get home this weekend. He keeps getting infection and I don’t know where it’s coming from"

"Blood work doesn’t show anything?"

"Not anything that would help...just a through the roof white cell count"

"You mind if I take a look at his chart?"

"No, be my guest...you’re his doctor for the weekend...go right ahead!"

"Well, don’t worry about anything, Mark. I’ll take care of things"

"OK, now, Carol stays with him a lot and she’ll let you know if she needs a doctor..."

"Carol? Why Carol?"

"She and Doug have sort of a ‘history’ together"

"Doug Ross has a ‘history’ with every woman in Chicago" Kerry chuckled.

"He and Carol are really good friends. She’s doing this because she wants to. If anything changes...if he gets worse...call me in Milwaukee and I’ll come back"

"I can handle things, Mark..."

"I know you can, but I want to know if anything changes, OK?"

"Sure"

"OK...I’ve got a train to catch...hold down the fort, Kerry...I’ll see you Monday"

"Have a good weekend, Mark...give my best to Jen and Rachel"

"I will"

I headed for the door and gave Doug one last look before I left. He was quiet and still...his eyes closed as he was completely unconscious from the fever that was wracking his body from the inside out. I shook my head with a sad smile...

"Hope you’re here when I get back, Buddy"

I muttered lowly and went on out the door.

Carol was just getting off the elevator while I was waiting to get on it. She seemed delighted to see me still there and reached out to grab my arm quickly.

"Oh! Mark! Good! You haven’t left yet! I wanted to see you before you headed for Milwaukee...how’s Doug?"

"No change, Carol" I shook my head. "He’s not doing very well, I’m afraid"

"Still running that fever?"

"Yeah... just gave him a heavy dose of antibiotic...maybe it’ll help"

"How long do you want me to keep the ice bags on him?"

"Keep them fresh and use them for a few hours. If there’s no change, tell Kerry...she’s in charge of him while I’m gone"

"OK...have a good weekend in Milwaukee..."

"I’ll do the best I can" I sighed. "Won’t be easy knowing what Doug is going through here"

"Is he going to be all right, Mark?"

"Truthfully, Carol, I can’t tell you that right now. He’s not doing very well. And a lot of it is up to him"

Carol nodded as I got into the elevator. A quick wave and the doors closed us off from each other. She was on her way to Doug’s room....I was on my way to Milwaukee...

Carol:

Kerry was still going over Doug’s chart when I went quietly into his room. She looked up at me, and gave me a weak smile.

"How’s he doing?" I asked her quietly, putting my things on the table beside Doug’s bed.

"I want to do a tox screen" she mumbled. "That’s something Mark hasn’t ordered since the night he came in..."

"He only ordered it then because he knew he’d been drinking. All the alcohol would be out of his system now"

"Yeah, it would, but, something is still causing these infections so maybe a tox screen will shed some light on what it is"

"They’ve already taken so much blood out of him his veins are collapsing...I don’t know if he can take much more"

"Well, if we can’t get it out of his arms, we can take it out of his foot...if we can’t get it there, there’s always the carotid artery" I winced at that thought. That was a very painful procedure for the patient.

"I’ll send somebody in to get blood in a while" Kerry told me. "Call me in the ER if you need me"

"OK" I nodded.

I sat by his bed and watched Doug’s chest rise and fall slowly...and I thought back to happier times between us. I could remember the first time I ever laid eyes on Doug Ross...the first day he walked into the ER. He was so arrogant...so cocky...so very sure of himself...with the most magnetic smile I’d ever seen in my life. He was smooth and easy...so smooth and so easy that I admitted later to Lydia Wright that I had sex with him on the first date...I had answered the door and the next thing I knew we were on the kitchen floor together. Later, I would be with Shep on the kitchen floor...maybe we wonder if I had a thing about kitchen floors! But the first time I ever saw Doug with a child, I knew there was something wonderful inside him. His bedside manner was so gentle...so caring....he just melted my heart. Any man who could be that considerate of a child’s fears and problems couldn’t be all bad no matter how cocky he came across. I remembered once telling him I’d never seen anyone care so much about children and he had given me a chuckling reply that this was his job. But job or no job, there was a side of Doug Ross that he kept hidden and locked away...there was a side of him he didn’t want anyone to know about...and a world somewhere he just wanted to forget. Drawn to him be a force a didn’t understand, I let him lead me along for two years. He would tell me that he loved me and then he would leave my apartment to go to a hotel and another woman. I knew these things, and I kept seeing him anyway. I would catch him in closets and exam rooms at the hospital with other women...he would promise me those women meant nothing to him and that he loved me....and like a fool I would believe him. And I would always take him back. And we would snuggle close with intimate moments, he would hold me, and kiss me, and promise me he would never do it again...that he loved me and he wanted to be with me...and I would forgive him, even though I knew better. I just was so crazy about him I felt like having in my life, no matter how unfaithful he was, was better than not having him in my life at all. But, when I started to want more out of our relationship...when I wanted commitment from him...that’s when it all fell apart. Looking back, I began to realize it wasn’t really his fault...He had never given me any indication that he wanted to "get serious" about our relationship. Doug was a ‘live for the moment’ kind of guy and he didn’t like the idea of being tied down. I put pressure on him and he bolted like a scared rabbit. I saw him do the same thing again later when I was engaged to John Taglieri and Doug was dating Diane Leeds. As long as they were dating, everything was fine. But, when Diane was going to move into a new house and she said there was room there for Doug...an open invitation for him to move into her....he went running back to Linda Farrell...got caught with her by Diane...and thereby terminated their relationship. So he really hadn’t changed any since we were together.

I had watched Doug begin to spin out of control. He had told me point blank that he didn’t know why he did the things he did. I began to wonder if all that guilt was somehow playing a part in what was happening with him now.

"Carol?" a weak and hoarse voice broke the quiet of the room. I looked up to see Doug reaching his hand to me.

"I’m right here, Doug" I stood up quickly and leaned over his bed.

"Could I have some water?"

"Sure!" I poured the water from a pitcher into a glass and offered it to him, holding his head to help him lean forward and drink it.

"Thanks" he smiled weakly.

"You’re welcome" I smiled at him. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I got run over by a steam roller" he grinned. "I’m OK"

"You’re still running a fever" I made this observation by feeling his forehead.

"Where’s Mark?"

"He went to Milwaukee for the weekend. Kerry Weaver is taking care of you right now" he rolled his eyes, but nodded.

"Can you get me some crushed ice?" he gave me a weak look.

"Sure! I’ll be right back"

By the time I got back, there was a guy from the lab there taking blood. I stood at the end of the bed and watched painfully as the needle slid into the vein on Doug’s neck. Doug groaned, but didn’t put up much of a fuss. When it was over, I edged forward with the ice and a spoon. He was so weak, his hands shook as he tried to feed himself, so I ended up spoon feeding the ice to him until he didn’t want anymore.

"How are we doing in here?" Kerry suddenly came through the door.

"Well, he’s awake. If the vampires would leave him alone he’d be better"

"I ordered that blood test...I’m looking for specifics. There’s a high level of toxins in the blood test they took yesterday...I’m suspecting renal failure...if this test comes back positive on that, then I’m going to have to get dialysis into him somehow..."

"Dialysis? I think he’s too weak for that..."

"Well, we’ll have to see what happens, OK?" she made her way to the bed. "You understand all that, Doug?"

"You’re sending me to hemo?"

"Just for 10 treatments. I think your kidneys will start working again...I think they’ve just had a shock from the accident and everything else. After 10 treatments, we’ll take your levels again and see how it looks"

"OK"

I stayed in the room with him and watched helplessly as John Carter inserted a 32 French catheter into Doug’s shoulder for temporary dialysis. Doug griped the bed rails and whimpered a few times, but, he didn’t move around much. Once the catheter was in, Kerry arranged to have him sent to dialysis. That gave me a chance to take a break and Kerry caught up with me at the snack machine.

"Why are you doing this, Carol?" she asked me quietly.

"Because Doug needs to know that somebody cares. If he thinks nobody cares, and he already does anyway, he’ll just give up and not get well. But, if somebody cares and makes a fuss over him, he’ll fight"

"Given your background with him, I’m just surprised it would be you"

"There’s a lot of things about me and Doug you might be surprised about, Kerry" I smiled weakly at her.

"I’m surprised Doug’s drinking and wild ways haven’t caught up with him before now. When I worked with him before he was really wild...he hasn’t changed much"

"Sometimes I wish I had the key to unlock the man that’s inside him...I’ve only seen that man a couple of times but it’s it the one I fell in love with...and if I ever find out where he’s hiding and bring him out, I’ll never look at another man again"

"I guess it’s good that someone knows another side of him" Kerry nodded. "I’ll be back up to check on him after he gets back from dialysis"

"Thanks, Kerry"

I went back up to Doug’s room and waited until they brought him back. What I had told Kerry was true...there was another man locked inside of Doug. He didn’t let it show very often, but I had seen it more than once. Inside him, Doug was just a little boy...a scared, confused, little boy...who didn’t know what he wanted from life or how to get it...he only knew how to go forward and get the job he was supposed to do done. I knew Doug had deep rooted feelings for his father, but he refused to let them show. His father was a rambler who abandoned his family more than once and Doug always talked down about him. He hadn’t seen or heard from his father since he was 12 years old and as much as that hurt him, he disguised it as anger. And then he took that anger out on the world. That’s why I felt like Doug and I were such a good pair...neither one of us had a stable home life.

When they brought Doug back from dialysis, he was like a limp dish rag...completely worn out. He looked up at me from his bed and gave me a very weak smile.

"One down...nine to go" he told me softly.

"Can I get you anything?"

"Another blanket, maybe...I’m freezing"

"That’s because your blood pressure fell down there...I’ll be right back"

I went to the supply cabinet and got him another blanket, took it back to his room, and spread it over him, tucking it around him gently.

"How’s that?"

"That’s great" he nodded. Then he reached up and took hold of my hand loosely. "Carol, I want you to know I really appreciate all you’ve done for me. It’s really nice to know that if I need something, you’re here to get it. Thank you"

"It’s OK, Doug" I smiled weakly at him.

"It’s almost like you care" he mumbled.

"I DO care" I scolded him lightly.

"Yeah" he nodded. "But not like I want you to"

"You know why that is" I reminded him and he nodded very shortly, then rolled his head away.

"Yeah...I know"

I felt bad for him, because I knew how much that was hurting him, but it was his own doing and an agreement we had made between us after I didn’t marry John Taglieri...we would be friends and nothing more.

But, the good news was the Kerry was right...the toxins in Doug’s system were causing the infection and they were due to renal failure. The dialysis kicked the kidneys back into gear and they started working on their own almost immediately. By the time Mark came back on Monday, Doug’s fever was down and his appetite was starting to come back. Finally, after 10 days in Intensive Care, he was ready to move into a step down unit...and I finally felt like he was on the road to recovery.

Little did I know that road still had some twists and turns in it ahead....

November 9, 1998